The family that cons together …

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Riches
Season 2, Episode: Trust Never Sleeps
FX, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. Aired April 15. Starring Eddie Izzard, Minnie Driver, Shannon Marie Woodward, Todd Stashwick, Aidan Mitchell, Noel Fisher and Gregg Henry.
Synopsis: Living the straight life continues to prove difficult for Dahlia, and Wayne receives a surprise visitor while at work.

Mat: This episode is now almost a week old, but because Izzard performed last week at the Palace, we’re still timely. His transition from standup comedian/executive transvestite to vagabond con artist Wayne Malloy on FX’s newest original series sounded like a quantum leap. But the overall plotline to “The Riches” is smarter than, say, “Gossip Girl.”

Sara: Hey, I take offense to that. Why must you put down something in an attempt to compliment? I happen to like “Gossip Girl” in all its tween glory. But back to “The Riches,” which you forced me to watch this week. I liked the actors — Minnie Driver and Eddie Izzard are usually solid in any role — but I got a little lost in the storyline, probably because this was my first viewing. It’s hard to come into a show in the middle of its second season. But I tried. Can you give me some background?

Mat: When Wayne, wife Dahlia (Driver), sons Cael and Sam (Fisher and Mitchell) and daughter Dehliah (Woodward) kill an elderly rich couple in a car accident, they assume the couple’s identities. It turns out keeping up appearances is harder than it looks. The family that cons together stays together, but this episode shows cracks in the Riches’ façade. Dahlia’s con unravels when a cop busts her after she’s carjacked outside her “apartment.” But the gumshoe lets her go! Unbelievable.

Sara: You know, I couldn’t help but think Matt Damon and Ben Affleck would come to her rescue during that scene. Not some husky-voiced detective whose intentions seemed questionable. How ’bout dem apples? (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Mat: It’s nice to know that kids today still look up to their parents as role models. Even if dear old dad’s covering up a brutal murder by stealing evidence from a private investigator’s hotel room. That Sam had the presence of mind to wipe his dad’s blood off the hotel room door should earn him a few brownie points — and a new ride when he turns 16 — from pops.

Sara: Yeah, my dad used to take me to Dairy Queen when I wiped his blood off seedy hotel doorknobs.

Mat: During the dialogue between Wayne and Sam at the hotel, Izzard’s British accent creeped out for a brief moment. Driver was close, but her Southern, aw-shucks lilt was more believable. The next phone call should be to a dialogue coach. If it worked for James Gandolfini, it can work for you. No one wants another Kevin Costner.

Sara: I must say the fake accents were off-putting. I thought Driver’s character was conning the cop by using such an over-the-top Southern accent. But it turns out she’s just trying to con the viewing public. Well, shucks, ain’t that a pity!

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com

"The Paper" is Eazy-er said than dunn

The Paper

Premiere Episode
MTV; Mondays at 10:30 p.m., aired April 14. Starring Amanda, Alex, Adam, Giana, Trevor and Mrs. Weiss.
Synopsis: For many soon-to-be seniors at Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Fla., it’s time to battle it out for the position of editor-in-chief of The Circuit. But only one will score the top slot. See what it takes to build an editorial team and run an award-winning paper.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Sara: I love the “The Paper”! I’m definitely hooked, and it’s all because of Amanda. She’s nerdy yet confident. Bossy but unaffected. The others talk behind her back — and right to her face, actually — and it doesn’t seem to bother her. How does she do it? And I love her opening line: “Journalists are the most important part of the world.” So true.

Mat: “Watch out world, here comes Amanda” is one of those sentiments that, frankly, inspires only the finest vomit. I’m sure working at The Circuit feels really important to these kids right now, but it’s hard to imagine their antics translating to a professional newsroom. Do you think it would be cool if we all got in a huddle and started chanting “LEO”?

Sara: You know, it’s not a bad idea. I also think we should borrow their tactic of handing out papers via being pushed on a dolly. Do you want top or bottom?

Mat: We would save money on gas, and I do need the exercise. I don’t know why there’s such a “race” to be editor. I was editor of my high school newspaper, and it wasn’t glamorous. I sure as hell didn’t sing about laying out page 1.

Sara: Well, you are the music editor. I’d like to hear some Nickelback from you next time you finish up your music pages. Meanwhile, I’ll break into some Eazy-E when the A&E pages are checked. Now how do we get the others to play along? Gimmie that, gimmie that, gimmie that NYT Crossword Puzzle!

Mat: Canada — and commercial radio — should apologize for Nickelback. As should you for even uttering the name.
This show proves journalists can’t be actors. Can you believe Amanda when she says, “Procrastination is a foe that I have not met yet”? Wait until college, when you discover the concept of cramming. Procrastination will be your best friend. As will coffee.

Sara: And don’t forget bourbon, No-Doz and Marlboro Lights.

Mat: “Cream of bitch” = best line. Quite literary. Did you find it weird that the all the past editors’ first names began with the letter A?

Sara: If it was a precursor for Amanda getting the “in-chief” position, then no, I found nothing weird with it at all. I’d like to see Adam get his emotions in check. Ritalin anyone?

Mat: Yeah, he’s got ADD written all over him. In the future, he’ll probably wind up a CEO or hedge fund manager. His off-site pow-wow with the other staffers over how Amanda will ruin the paper shows a knack for the diabolical.
The air’s gonna leak out of this tire pretty quick, though. MTV says they “found” this staff, even though they posted a casting notice on realitywanted.com last year, which makes the show’s appeal, if you wanna call it that, ring hollow. All these docu-dorks are gonna overact so they can parlay their roles into careers in show business. Nothing wrong with that, just don’t be surprised if this Circuit shorts out. Once senior year hits, you care less about punctuation and grammar and more about hitting the nearest keg party.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"ER," I want a divorce

BY SARA HAVENS

We interrupt our regularly scheduled episode of Cable Boxing for this one-sided commentary by Sara. Apparently, Mat is off frolicking with the recently booted Survivor Big Bird Kathy. His penance: viewing every episode of this season’s “The Hills,” then commenting weekly on the Cable Boxing blog (cableboxing.blogspot.com). It seems only fair.

This isn’t working. I can no longer pretend to be in love with you. We’ve had a good run, wouldn’t you say? I’ll walk away with only good memories of our 14 years together. Fourteen years. I just don’t feel the connection anymore. We’re two good people who aren’t good together. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I’ve stayed faithful. I DVR you on a regular basis — but you just sit there, taking up space, while I find excuses to watch everything else but you.

Thank you for moving out a few months ago. I’ve had time to reflect on our relationship — to recall the good times and bad times. We’ve just had so many people come and go — I can’t keep up with who we call friends and which of those friends are going to up and leave us. First it was George Clooney. Then Julianna Margulies. Then Sherry Stringfield, of all people. And when Anthony Edwards got brain cancer, I couldn’t take it. We were there for him, and that was a tough loss to take. And don’t get me started on Noah Wyle, Eriq La Salle, Maria Bello, the British red-headed lady and the cane-wielding Dr. Weaver. Our relationship has been a revolving door, and I’m sick of it. So sick that perhaps I should pay my own visit to County General.

Remember the time you had to push that baby back into the mother? Or how about when you got your hand chopped off by the helicopter on the roof? Oooh, or the time you killed off that poor girl from “Life Goes On”? Those were the days. I’ll admit our relationship started to suffer when you went off on your African adventures. Sure it’s not all baby-blue scrubs and fake blood, but I needed you here. It was a confusing time for me.

Yes, I like Maura Tierney. Perhaps she’s the reason I’ve stuck it out for so long. But she wasn’t there in the beginning — she doesn’t really know us. And I think she’s played out. What is there left for Abby? She’s shagged just about every male castmember. She’s been through rehab and a schizo brother, an over-zealous mother, a baby, a marriage, another stint in rehab … shall I continue? And I know you brought in John Stamos for me. Honey, that was a nice gesture. But even he can’t save this marriage.

It’s not you, “ER,” it’s me. Truth is, I’ve found someone. I believe the term is “emotional friend.” But before I move to the next level with “Grey’s Anatomy,” I need to end this relationship with you. My life has room for only one hour-long medical drama. It’s time I move on, babe. Can’t we still be friends? Hey, chin up. I’m sure I’ll catch you in syndication from time to time. And when I do, I’ll smile and say hello. Please don’t make this awkward.

Now, can you sign these papers?


Idol’s 8
We’re down to eight contestants on “American Idol,” and I still don’t have a favorite. It’s been an odd year. First of all, I can’t tell the two — or is it three? — rocker dudes apart. One has an Australian accent and one has too much hair in his face. Or are they the same person? Did they graduate from the Nickelback school of raspy-voice rawk? Then there’s Kristy, who should have gone back to her horses way before the Indiana rock ’n’ roll nurse got the boot. I guess I like Brooke. She’s harmless and interesting. I think Carly is a fan favorite, but she just doesn’t have the “it” factor, other than that cool Irish accent. And don’t get me started little-boy-blue David. Once I found out he was born in the ’90s, he was dead to me. Dead. Grow a pair.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"The Hills" have cries, too

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Hills
Season 3, Episodes 20 & 21: “Back To L.A.” & “An Unlikely Friend”
MTV; Mondays at 10 p.m., aired March 31. Starring Lauren Conrad, Audrina Partridge, Whitney Port, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.
Synopsis: Lauren and Whitney’s time in Paris has come to an end, and now everything is different. Whitney leaves Teen Vogue. Lauren is in for an unpleasant surprise on her first day back at the Fashion Institute.

Sara: Yes! Now this is a show I love. A spin-off of MTV’s popular “Laguna Beach” reality show, “The Hills” follows the ever-so-stressful life of California yuppie Lauren Conrad. She’s got a sweet internship at Teen Vogue. She attends class from time to time. She lives in a posh West Hollywood apartment with her best friend Audrina. And she parties all the time. But yet Blondie has drama everywhere she turns. It must be so tough to be rich, young, beautiful and constantly trailed by a camera crew.

Mat: Let it be duly noted that you just used “California yuppie” and “stressful” in the same sentence. Put another notch in the “Kill MTV” column. Fewer videos. Less depth. Now it’s soaps about dopes. Granted, incredibly hot dopes, but dopes nonetheless. I cannot empathize with people who live in a place where it’s sunny every day.

Sara: So Lauren and Whitney get back from Paris and immediately make life changes. Whitney leaves Teen Vogue to pursue a bigger and better career in the fashion industry, and Lauren rolls her eyes at Brody. Have I been watching too much “L Word,” or did you think Whitney and Lauren were totally going to get it on in the Vogue offices on her last day? W: “I don’t know how I’m going to walk into my office and not see your face every day.” L: “Awww, you wore the same bag as you wore the first day. The first time I met you, you wore that bag.” W: “What are we going to do without each other?”

Mat: You might be onto something. Subtext is ever-present, but their sweet-nothings are more harmless schoolgirl jabber than carnal lust.

Sara: I absolutely loathe Spencer. Asshole! Does he remind you of Beavis?

Mat: Beavis might have more going on upstairs. Not dating again? Wait, is that melodrama I smell? What a crock. Although, Heidi’s a bit naïve, too. If you give up all your friends over a relationship, you can’t blame anyone but yourself.

Sara: After ending world hunger and all the wars and stuff, my next wish would be for Lauren and Heidi to be BFFs again. Don’t think it’s gonna happen, though. Now that Spencer’s sister Stephanie (aka Heidi’s best friend) has computer class with Lauren, the two have forged a bond that will definitely put Speidi in a tizzy.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at
cableboxing.blogspot.com