‘Mad Men’ new season takes flight

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Mad Men
Season 2, Episode 2: “Flight 1”
AMC, Sundays, 10 p.m., aired Aug. 3. Starring Jon Hamm, John Slattery, Vincent Kartheiser, January Jones, Christina Hendricks, Elisabeth Moss and Michael Gladis.
Synopsis: The ad men at Sterling Cooper find themselves doing damage control after a plane crashes, killing Pete’s father. Meanwhile, Don and Betty Draper’s marriage shows cracks in the foundation.


Mat: I don’t think I ever missed smoking until I saw this AMC original, created by “Sopranos” alum Matthew Weiner. The coolness cannot be understated. “Mad Men” shows the repressed, buttoned-up side of the ’60s. The built-in sexism, not-so-subtle racism and pent-up frustrations over the human condition. Each character appears to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Sara: Yeah, can you imagine working in such a smoky office? I did like the fact that all the men with offices had their own bar, and they drank throughout the day. That would definitely make time fly. I’m not sure how much would get done around here, but it sure would be fun. Think we’re allowed to try it out? I’ve got some SoCo in my top drawer.

Mat: I heard that after 2 p.m. on a workday, drinking is technically OK.

Sara: I’ll see you at 1:59 then, bucko! Back restrooms?

Mat: The party scene was vicious. Paul Kinsey (Gladis) chatting with his ex Joan, who is white, and his new foil Sheila, who is black, at the same party = awkward. Joan cements her icy rep with this dart: “The last thing I would’ve taken him for was open-minded.” Ouch.

Sara: Bitch was ruthless! And her red purse was atrocious. How rude was it that she suggested as Sheila climbed the ranks at the grocery store, she could one day be a customer?

Mat: Pete Campbell (Kartheiser) is a preppy, unrepentant bastard, but maybe he’s got some previously unseen complexity. Last season he was a go-getter, ready to cut Draper’s (Hamm) throat every chance he got. When his father dies and he passes on the American Airlines proposal, he shows some genuine grace. Bastard with feelings.

Sara: Yep, bastards with feelings don’t get too far, do they? Here’s a tissue, Mat, and pull up your skirt. Loved when his partner said that to Draper when he was hesitant to pony up with American Airlines.

I must say Draper was my favorite character … as this was my first time viewing. He seems to be the only one who recognizes the social hypocrisy that was so prevalent in the ’60s. And he taught his kids how to make a decent Manhattan, right down to the muddling. And a Tom Collins gets a cherry, remember that.

Mat: The sick airline jokes were hard to listen to. In Manhattan, no less.

Sara: I was a bit confused — did the big-wigs at Sterling Cooper want Pete on the American Airlines project because he is a good ad rep, or because his father died in the plane crash? That’s pretty low if it was the latter.

Mat: If it was the latter, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Got a show we need to dig into? Contact the writers at leo@leoweekly.com, or check out our blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

South Park’s imagination runs wild

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

South Park
Episodes 1110-1112: “Imaginationland: The Trilogy”
Comedy Central, Sundays, 10 p.m., aired July 27.
Synopsis: When the entire contents of the world’s imagination lay open before them, Stan and Kyle step right in. Imaginationland is attacked by terrorists and evil characters, and the final battle between good and evil takes place. Back in South Park, Cartman swears he’s seen a leprechaun. (www.southparkstudios.com)

Sara: I enjoyed this trilogy. It’s really one giant metaphor on how pathetic our society has become — “The terrorists are attacking our Imagination! We must nuke our Imagination!” Loved the dialogue about heaven and hell being imaginary. Justification for bombing: “Well, if hell is real, then we’d just be bombing hell, which is a good thing. But what if heaven is real?” And the fact that Jesus was a resident of Imaginationland, right alongside Wonder Woman and Freddy Krueger, was great.

Mat: Hell is real. I read it on a billboard in Indiana. So when terrorists plot their next attack, a leprechaun will be the one to tell us? Hey, it’s more reliable than Homeland Security.

Sara: I’ve been dying to see a leprechaun for some time now. Thought I’d have to resort to magic mushrooms … but it looks like all I’ll have to do is make a nasty bet with some dude. Balls!

Mat: Leave it to Butters to ask the elephant-in-the-room question before the kids climb into the Imagination Flying Machine: “Are you going to rape us?”

Sara: Can you imagine what it would have been like to go to Imaginationland on a field trip in grade school? To hang out with the likes of Optimus Prime, the Care Bears, Qbert and Jesus?! That would have been awesome. Instead, we were trotted out to a nature center and forced to eat soggy PB&J sandwiches while we dug through owl puke.

Mat: I went to the Louisville Science Center and learned about electricity and … uh, never mind. We didn’t have a dragon, though. How are you gonna climb on the back of a dragon and have it not breathe fire? Imaginationland must be experiencing cutbacks.

Sara: Maybe it was a friendly dragon — like that long white thing from “The Neverending Story.”

Mat: That was a flying dog, Shavens. Falkor!

Sara: Oh, OK. I don’t think Puff the Magic Dragon shot fire … did he? When Butters had to imagine Santa back to life, I thought for sure the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man was going to make an appearance.

Mat: The only character missing! Fat bastard would’ve been on the dark side, though. It’s not too far fetched that the government would consult M. Night Shyamalan, Michael Bay, Mel Gibson and Kurt Russell on a terrorist attack. I mean, Mel Gibson did whoop ass in “Lethal Weapon 2.” You know, before the fall.

Sara: Mel’s mugging was hilarious. I’ve seen Jason hide in closets before slashing someone to bits … but who knew he recently came out of one? And what about those evil forest animals who wanted to pee in Strawberry Shortcake’s eye socket? I was slightly disturbed, yet intrigued.

Mat: Just when you think Trey Parker and Matt Stone are beyond warped, they toss in the animals’ search for “AIDS in the woods,” and set political correctness back about 400 years.

Berate the writers at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

Fear not the Super Rat, crazy tunnel-dweller

BY SARA HAVENS & AARON FRANK

MonsterQuest
Episode 206: “Super Rats”
History Channel, Wednesdays, 8 p.m., aired July 16. Narrated by Stan Benard.
Synopsis: Rats are the stuff of nightmares, and recent archaeological evidence suggests they once grew to massive sizes. Could these huge rodents make a comeback? Waves of huge-rat sightings are sweeping our cities, and animal experts say these mutants are getting bigger — and more dangerous. Rat experts journey into NYC sewers and meet the witnesses who tell of cat-sized rats that have appetites for anything … including human flesh. (www.history.com)


Sara: OK, so your star witness for proving the existence of the “Super Rat” is José, a homeless man who has lived in New York City’s sewers for six years? Wonder how much change and Colt 45 they had to fork over for the interview.

Sure, I believe there are cat-sized rats in New York, probably some even bigger. Shit, the biggest rat out there is Donald Trump, right?

Aaron: From what I can gather, homeless tunnel-dwellers seem like some of the most reputable people to go to for stories about mythical creatures. I like the way Steve Duncan, “Tunnel Explorer,” enters the underground tunnel looking like the Indiana Jones of Rat Hunters and then explains how José “likes poking around” in the tunnels, almost like it’s a hobby. There’s a cast of some colorful characters on this show from the get-go.

Sara: I worked at a pet shop in my high school days, and for the record, rats were among the gentlest animals we had. If you really want to investigate devil-creatures, the hamster is a good place to start. I once witnessed one eat its own baby. I think rats get a bad rap because of their tails … and, as we learned, were unfairly blamed for the Bubonic Plague. It wasn’t the rodents or their apple-bottom jeans but the fleas in the furrrrr.

Aaron: Well, either way, I wouldn’t be excited about coming into close contact with a rat, be it wild or domestic. The reenactment of the girl getting attacked by a pack of rats was quite hilarious, but on second thought, it would definitely suck to be attacked by a pack of wild rats. I keep telling myself I’m not going to have nightmares after this segment.

Sara: Really? We need to get you rat therapy — they make great pets, I swear. Sure, I don’t want them around my food or biting off my toes, but fear of rat I do not have. Spiders, ghosts, praying mantises and the Amish — yes. Rodents — no way.

Aaron: The most hilarious thing about the show was that news clip featuring a guy who, after seeing dozens of rats run throughout a Manhattan restaurant, says, “I don’t think I’ll eat here again.” That shouldn’t be an issue anyone should have to “think” about.

Sara: What about those crazy scientists who tried to rig a camera to the alley rats? They were hoping to get a glimpse into the intricate tunnels that would lead to the Mother Mouse. Too bad the 10-pound Radio Shack camera kept falling off.

Aaron: Honestly, I’m surprised there are this many “rodent experts” out there willing to dedicate days to investigating rats and attaching cameras to them. RATCAM, unfortunately, turned out to be an utter failure, and the biggest rat they found was 8-10 inches. Steve thinks José’s “Super Rat” was probably a possum or a cat … or, dare I say, a bad acid trip?

Contact the writers at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Generation Kill" presents unfiltered, unbiased look at war

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Generation Kill
Episode 1: “Get Some”
HBO miniseries, Sundays, 9 p.m., aired July 13. Starring Jon Huertas, Kellan Lutz, James Ransone, Alexander Skarsgård, David Barrera, Kasem Griego, Josh Barrett and Wilson Bethel.
Synopsis: Based on the Rolling Stone articles and subsequent book by Evan Wright, this seven-part miniseries begins as Marines in the First Recon Battalion push into Iraq during the first 40 days of the war.

Mat: “The Wire” co-creators David Simon and Ed Burns could make sidewalk graffiti fascinating. Their miniseries presents Evan Wright’s vivid Rolling Stone articles and subsequent book into a four-color treatise on this debilitating conflict. The focus is on the troops and the Iraqis — which is what matters.

Sara: While the subject matter was a bit intense and unsettling, I thought the first episode was beautifully shot. Some of those camera angles, especially while depicting the sparse desert, were amazing. I liked the naiveté of the journalist character — loved the scene where he got his boys twisted up in his gear. Ouch. And chewing tobacco never looked better. I had a similar swallowing mishap with dip in college — but it wasn’t because I was rushing to get my gas mask on. It did make me sick, though.

Mat: It’s nice to know the troops had everything they needed: Cpl. Josh Ray Person (Ransone) tells “Scribe” Wright (played by Lee Tergesen) that he and Sgt. Brad “Iceman” Colbert (Skarsgård) had to spend $500 of their own salary to outfit their Humvee. The soldiers were shipped green camouflage to fight in a desert, and Lt. Nathaniel Fick’s (Stark Sands) discovery that the battalion has no armed escort spells doom. But the kicker was Fick’s rock-and-a-hard-place order to leave the hostages at the mercy of Iraqi death squads in violation of the Geneva Conventions. Some rules were made to be broken.

Sara: Yes, that was pretty hard to watch. But orders are orders. And during wartime, orders trump emotion. Can’t believe some of the higher-ups were so concerned with the Marines’ appearance — from ’staches to which hat they wore. Give them a break!

Mat: Were I surrounded by people who wanted to kill me all the time, I’d be a screaming maniac, too. I wanna know how much Hustler paid to get their magazine featured. It’s like the official rag of the Marine Corps, and the soldiers ogling a picture of a little girl in the beginning was wretched.

Sara: Yes, that scene made me uncomfortable. Do you agree with Person’s rationale that if the country of Iraq wasn’t so uptight about sex, we wouldn’t be there? “Why can’t we ever invade a cool country,” he asked. “One with chicks in bikinis.”

Mat: I read Sebastian Junger’s article in Vanity Fair a couple years ago about these al Qaeda operatives who whored and boozed it up in South America, so sex can’t fix everything.

Sara: No, sex can’t fix everything. It’s more like duct tape — it can fix things temporarily, makes the rough edges bearable.

Contact the writers at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

If you’re happy and you’re Amish, clap your hands

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Primetime: The Outsiders
Episode: “Teens caught between freedom and faith”
ABC, Tuesdays, 10 p.m., aired June 24. An ABC News production by Jay Schadler.
Synopsis: For a year, ABC News had unprecedented access into the lives of a group of Amish adolescents in central Ohio during the Amish rite of passage known as rumspringa.



Mat: Setting aside that “Rumspringa” sounds like a Captain Morgan’s product, “The Outsiders” reminds me why I’m a lapsed Catholic. Amish, as a belief system, is too strict. Kids have to learn to adapt in social situations, and it doesn’t appear they can.

The fact that Lena says she’ll “lose her family” if she leaves the Amish doesn’t speak well for her parents, and the elders ABC interviewed even spoke about driving a Thunderbird. You can be spiritual and still have fun.

Sara: OK, let me just get this out in the open — I’m afraid of the Amish. Spiders, snakes, drag queens I can handle. But if I see a buggy on the side of the road with tall, skinny men in funny hats, it freaks me out. We’re talking panic attacks. Maybe it’s because I grew up around them in Ohio, or maybe it stems from that creepy whistling dude from “Poltergeist II.”

Mat: These Amish parents could do a better job of at least informing kids of what’s out there. Harley’s midnight rescue mission makes it clear that these kids are unreasonably stifled. Otherwise, why would Danny feel like he needed to jump out of a second-story window?

Sara: So what would you do, Mat? Leave behind your family and peace and tranquility for canned beer and baseball games? It seems like when the teens “escaped” their conservative Amish life, they just set up a similar shop a few miles down the road in the form of a bachelor pad. How about you get out of Ohio. Go south to the big city with a 50-foot bat, like I did.

Mat: Sayonara. By train, plane, auto or unicycle. The world is simply too large, too wonderful and too diverse.

Sara: I must admit that Nelson’s tricked-out buggy was amazing. He had sub-woofers and an iPod … I’m sure the horse loves the AC/DC as it trots to the store.

Mat: I was surprised Nelson decided to stay Amish, but marriage is a powerful motivator. Note that he said “if” he finds a woman, so he left open other possibilities. Given how much I dropped in gas this week, a horse-drawn buggy wouldn’t be all that bad.

Sara: Good point. I wonder if you can get a DUI on horseback. Anyway, poor Danny … he’ll end up in the tight, white button-up before too long. Either that or a prison jumpsuit. I’m guessing he didn’t drop the soap during his short stint in jail for vandalizing a buggy. The Amish aren’t that naïve, are they?

Here’s to hoping Lena makes it out alive. Go to the light, Carolanne, go to the light!

Celebrate rumspringa with Mat and Sara at leo@leoweekly.com or at cableboxing.blogspot.com

Griffin’s "D-List" doesn’t suck it much

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Season 4, Episode 2: “Home is Where the Profit Is”
Bravo, Thursdays, 10 p.m., aired June 19. Starring Kathy Griffin, Jessica Zajicek, Tom Vize and Tiffany Rinehart.
Synopsis: Kathy’s assistant’s assistant, Tiffany, and her tour manager, Tom, are here to stay — but what do we really know about them? Kathy’s booked two stand-up gigs — one in Tom’s hometown of St. Louis, and one in Tiffany’s hometown of Tracy, Calif. She will meet their families and milk her own publicity machine by throwing them into the local media spotlight.



Sara: Gotta admit my love for Kathy Griffin. I just want her to adopt me, or make me an assistant to her assistant’s assistant. Hell, I’ll just hang out with her mom and we can knock back a few boxes of wine together. This is the fourth season of “My Life on the D-List,” and so far it scores as one of the best. She just seems more confident with her comedy and knows her place — firmly atop the D-List (although I’d argue she’s definitely B-List material, slightly above, say, Soleil Moon Frye).

Mat: You know you can’t trust your staff these days when you have to convince your mom to push your merchandise. Seems like Kathy’s humor is wearing thinner than a pair of pantyhose on her staffers.

Sara: Have you ever worn pantyhose, Mat? There’s nothing thin about them when they’re bunching up between your legs and squeezing you so tight your ovaries feel violated. I definitely want a “Team Griffin” shirt, and I’d even wear the “Suck It, Jesus!” boxers to a Catholic picnic. Gimme that cake!

Mat: From time to time, I consider wearing a shirt that says “Holy Fuckballs” to the office, but I figure it’s more appropriate if a nuclear bomb goes off.

Sara: Wasn’t that in her boxer line as well? Anyway, I’ve got other plans on my end-of-world checklist, and none of them involve clothes.

Mat: Tom Green is still around? What’s with the tie? Is this the same guy who used to prank his folks? And Coolio, the star guest, touting a reality show? Talk about D-List. I thought the upcoming “Greatest American Dog” series pushed it.

Sara: You know, I’ve always had a thing for Tom Green, too. He’s had this Internet talk show for a while now. Sheesh. Can’t you keep up?

So Kathy & Co. travel to Tom’s hometown of St. Louis — think you’d get the VIP treatment like he did? Think you could have Mayor Jer declare it “Mat Herron Day”? I may have to call in sick.

Mat: Did you catch the Y98 host’s D-List dig? “No, it doesn’t bother me.” Translation: Welcome to the Midwest, you stuck-up Angeleno!

Sara: Take it back!

Mat: No.

Sara: OK, we’re even I guess. I saw it as more of a journalist’s failure to prepare for an interview, just like the dude at the tea shop in Tracy, Calif. Loved when she quipped, “I’m sure that’s exactly how Christiane Amanpour does it over at CNN.”


Share your love of Kathy with Sara, or your hatred with Mat, at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Weeds" tokes it on the run

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Weeds
Season 4, Episode 1: “Mother Thinks The Birds Are After Her”
Showtime, Mondays, 10 p.m., aired June 16. Starring Mary-Louise Parker, Elizabeth Perkins, Kevin Nealon, Justin Kirk, Hunter Parrish, Allie Grant and Alexander Gould.
Synopsis: With the embers of Majestic and Agrestic smoldering in their rearview mirror, Nancy and family flee southbound to the border town of Ren Mar, Calif. Meanwhile, the DEA interrogates Doug, Dean and Isabelle, who all pin the entire grow operation on Celia. Back in Ren Mar, Andy confronts his father and new landlord Lenny.


Sara: (taking long inhale) So … (speaking without exhaling) … what are we watching this week, man?

Mat: Pass that over here … “Weeds.” (inhale)

Sara: This is the last of it. Did you bring any?
Mat: No, the show “Weeds.” On Showtime. (exhale)

Sara: Dude. I love that show. (inhale) That chick from “Fried Green Tomatoes” is sweet … I’m glad she found something to do with her career. And Elizabeth Perkins — remember her from “He Said, She Said” with Kevin Bacon? Love that ’80s shiz. Hey, doesn’t bacon sound good? (exhale)

Mat: Bacon and eggs, scrambled. Kind of like Grandma’s brain in this episode. Len (Albert Brooks) has the crappy end of the diaper. I guess we all have to look forward to Depends in our old age (exhale), but it’s payback for him being a jackass to Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) while she and Judah were married. Apparently Dad forgot how easy-on-the-eyes she is. Not one to be outdone, her bringing German dinner into Len’s house was like a Freudian middle finger.

Sara: (inhale) Yeah, Freud was onto something. Deep shit. And you said finger … (exhale) heh. What did Nancy’s brother-in-law Andy (Justin Kirk) say that I laughed at 10 minutes ago? He was reciting bathroom-wall graffiti he found at a rest stop. Something like, “Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin’ … just gave birth to a little Texan.”

Mat: Texas is big. Huge. It’s like its own ocean.

Sara: So this season’s gonna be weird, since Nancy burned down her SoCal mansion and left behind her a life of drug dealin’ … or did she? What’s she going to do now? Be a Wal-Mart greeter? Doubt it. Do you think Celia (Perkins), Doug (Kevin Nealon) and the rest of them will join Nancy & Co. in her new bordertown? I certainly hope so … wait … why am I answering my own questions. Mat … are you awake, man?

Mat: Doug’s a banjo-toting schmo. Assuming he makes it out of the police station, he should be deported to some never-neverland. Like Kansas. Toking while he’s at an emergency shelter? With cops around?
I wonder whom I’d have to bribe to buy a section of the Mexican-Texas border. Bein’s that Pablo Escobar’s dead now, maybe my options are wide open. And if you retire from drug dealing, do you have to give up your portion of the fence?

Sara: Fence. That’s a funny word. Say it out loud. Fence. Ffffence. Fencé. Speaking of the border, do you wanna make a Taco Bell run?

Mat: Cool, but I’m drivin’.

Pass one along to leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

Battlestar Geektactica

BY JON BEAZLIE & BEN SCHNEIDER

Battlestar Galactica

Season 4, Episode 9: “The Hub”
Sci-Fi, Fridays, 10 p.m., aired June 6. Starring Edward James Olmos, Mary McDonnell, Katee Sackhoff, Jamie Bamber, James Callis and Tricia Helfer.
Synopsis: In pursuit of the enemy’s Resurrection Hub, a misfit team of Viper pilots and Cylon rebels become uneasy collaborators in formulating a battleplan.

Note: Ever since this column’s inception, editorial designer Ben “Buddy” Schneider and production coordinator Jon Beazlie have begged to geek up this space with “Battlestar” banter. Well, Mat Herron and I stay pretty busy on Friday nights, so instead of staying in and subjecting ourselves to this Sci-Fi show, we thought we’d give up the space to them this week. Nerds unite! —Sara Havens

Ben: OK, two major problems going in … first, I object to the “geek” and “nerd” words being tossed around with all the implied baggage of irrelevance and social inadequacy. Those derogatory labels are never applied to people who skip work for a month to sit in front of a TV during March Madness. No, a typical sports fan who dresses head-to-toe in UK basketball gear is considered “normal” when he or she goes out in public. But take that exact same person and glue some fake Spock ears on his head — then see what happens.

Secondly, even though the show airs on Friday night, I usually watch it Saturday morning while nursing my hangover. Thanks to this thing called the Internet, I can pretty much watch the show in the sunshine.

Jon: That’s right, those of us who don’t spend a gabillion dollars a month on cable fees have to resort to “ye ol’ ’letric Internet” to watch BSG on the Sci-Fi website, or search other sites to get our “man stories” the Blackbeard way. Arrrggghhh! Wait … maybe I am a geek? Hold on, I think the Feds are at my door …

Ben: Now, all that being said, I just need to add one thing: Oh my gods, have you seen this show? Holy frak, this is the best thing that’s ever been on TV ever! And I’ve watched “The L Word”!

Jon: “Gods” meaning the humans in this series believe in a polytheistic structure of religion, like the ancient Greeks, and “frak,” meaning, well … fuck. You see kids, the writers of this show get away with swearing on regular old TV by changing the word a little. It’s a little campy, but one of the ways the writers kept the feel of the original, late ’70s BSG. You get used to it. I remember my mom not liking the fact that they said “frak” back then, but she bought me BSG curtains and bed sheets. Who’s to say, maybe I peed on Lorne Greene?!?! Hold on, I think my therapist is at my door …

Ben: Of course the real problem in trying to write a column about “Galactica” is not saying anything about it. New viewers really shouldn’t watch it now because the show is in the middle of its fourth and final season — nearly all of the surprises have been revealed. “Galactica” is similar to “Lost” in a way, because the show has been one long continuing story, and the real joy of it has been watching the characters develop (and die) over the past four seasons.
It would be like telling someone who has never seen “Titanic” that it’s the best film ever made, but insisting they start watching at the moment the ship breaks apart in the water.

Jon: I agree. It’s really not your typical “Nerds in Space” drama. In the past four seasons, I’ve seen death, bloodshed and T&A comparable to a Tarantino movie. A Cylon downloads to a new body after death, so some of the characters get “offed” in numerous, bloody ways. Ships don’t fire lasers but bullets. Heavy artillery consists of anti-aircraft shrapnel, rockets and nuclear weapons. Old technology is good technology. Did I mention the HOT cybernetic chicks ready to kill a mother-fraker? Hey, Ben, I think we are geeks.

Geek out with Jon and Buddy at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Lost" finale: Stuff finally happens

BY SARA HAVENS & BEN SCHNEIDER

Lost
Season 4, Episode 13: “There’s No Place Like Home”
ABC, Thursdays, 9 p.m., aired May 29. Starring Matthew Fox, Jorge Garcia, Evangeline Lilly, Terry O’Quinn, Naveen Andrews and Josh Holloway.
Synopsis: As the face-off between the survivors and the freighter people continues, the Oceanic Six find themselves closer to rescue. Sayid goes back to the island to bring the rest of the people to the freighter. Ben and Locke go to The Orchid in order to “move the island.”


Sara: Our coworker Buddy, aka Ben Schneider, is LEO’s resident “Lost” expert. I’ve run to him every Friday morning since the show’s been on for an immediate debriefing. Like a trusty foreign language dictionary, he translates Lostspeak into concepts my feeble, sitcom-saturated mind can grasp. So naturally, I invited him to sit in for this week’s Cable Boxing on the two-hour “Lost” season finale. My first question for Buddy: How do you frickin’ move an island?!

Buddy: Move an island? That’s easy! Ben showed us how: Simply turn the big cog thingy in the polar cave next to the walk-in, bunny-rabbit, time-travel microwave (and if you’ve seen this episode, you know I’m NOT making any of that up). It looked pretty ancient and “low-tech” compared with the 1970s-era electronics they keep finding in the DHARMA hatches. So I’m guessing it was built by the same people who erected the big, four-toed statue that Sayid, Sun and Jin saw from a boat a few seasons back. But as for HOW the big cog thingy actually moved the island … uh … I’ll go with magnets. Sure, why not?

Sara: Well, that clears it up. Thanks. So do you think Jin and Michael are fish food now? Can’t believe Sun had to watch her baby’s daddy be blown to bits.

Buddy: When it comes to most people, watching your baby’s daddy become fish food would pretty much guarantee a spot on therapy couches for life. But Sun seems to be exploring alternative counseling through corporate evil. If Jin did survive by some miracle, I wonder if he’ll approve. Out of everyone on that island, he’s grown the most, and I hate that he’s gone.

I’m pretty sure Michael is dead. All this year he’s been bulletproof because “the island” needed him to live. But the moment before the explosion, he was visited by Christian — Jack’s dead father — who seems to be the spokesman for all things cah-razy. He told Michael: “You can go now,” which I assume means his obligation is over and he’s been cleared for death. Next second — BOOM. And goodbye Jin.

Sara: Sawyer looked pretty spiffy dripping wet from his swim — any chance of a drunken tryst between him and Juliet … you know, after we figure out where the island went?

Buddy: It’s a good bet. From their point of view, all of the other hot people from the plane have been burned alive. And on TV, if you can’t be with the hot one you love (Kate/Jack), then go ahead and love the hot one you’re with.

Sara: So true. Man, you are a genius! Predictions for next year? Looks like the Oceanic Six need to return to the island to rescue those left behind, hopefully not in the Rapture kind of left behind.

Buddy: Mr. Whidmore “changed the rules” when his thug killed Ben’s daughter, so I halfway expect to see Penny (Whidmore’s daughter) murdered by the end of the year. Maybe after four seasons I’m desensitized, but I’ve come to expect that everyone will eventually die horribly. Also, in the same way that Locke has replaced Ben, I think Sun will replace Whidmore as the wealthy and sinister force searching for the island. Keep an eye on her — ever since Jin blew up, she is pissed.

Share your own “Lost” theories with us at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Real World XX" can’t be cured

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Real World XX: Hollywood
Episode 6: “Greg vs. The House”
MTV; Wednesdays at 10 p.m., aired May 21.
Synopsis: After hearing his roommates do a confessional about him, Greg realizes that he doesn’t like most of the roommates. Kimberly admits to having feelings for Dave. Dave meets Justine and brings her back to the house, which upsets Kimberly. Will, knowing that Sarah has a boyfriend, kisses her anyway. Sarah’s boyfriend Ryan comes for a visit.


Sara: What the hell happened to my favorite show? I used to look so forward to a new “Real World” every year. Remember the good old days? Eric and Julie in New York? Jon and Beth O. in L.A.? Pedro and Puck in San Fran? Julie and Melissa in New Orleans? Seems like ever since the Vegas season, it’s now about watching gorgeous, brain-dead youngsters get drunk, fornicate and fight with each other.

Mat: This is kind of like watching your weird aunt die after a slow, painful existence. The progenitor of reality shows as we know it just can’t sustain itself. It’s become a grumpy, sleazy, cheating hooker who doesn’t know when to quit.

Sara: Even if it burns when she pees?

So let me get this straight — Kim likes Dave. Dave likes Kim’s body. Dave brings home another girl and seduces her with a stuffed rooster. Kim gets pissed. Why am I still watching again?

Mat: You haven’t gone through the three stages of grief yet: watch, gag, change channel. The girl whom Dave seduced? Judging from the looks of her, he didn’t have to try that hard.

Sara: So everyone hates Greg, aka “The Chosen One.” Hmmm … can’t see why, he’s a charmer — hides rocks in his roommates’ beds, steals Sarah’s underwear, refers to his female friends as “associates.” Classy. An excerpt from his confessional: “I am in the house with crazy fuckers. But again, I’m not gonna crack. I am a fuckin’ diamond. Diamond does not crack, it cuts.”

Mat: Suddenly, living in a Hollywood mansion is akin to “Survivorman.” What? You live in California. You get paid to drink and screw. What’s the problem with that? Other than it indicates your incessant need for attention.

Sara: Sarah’s nerdy boyfriend needs to grow a pair. Would you cower in your boxers as your hot girlfriend went toe-to-toe with a nut-job like Greg?

Mat: Of course, but that’s because I’m a veritable ninja. I think he handled it the right way. As long Greg doesn’t hit her, I’d let her tear him up for a few rounds.

Sara: So when does the seventh roommate get back from rehab? This blows. We need more violent, 3 a.m. wall-punchings.

Mat: As a former smoker, I had to stay aware of my “triggers,” things that would make me wanna light up. No. 7 would do well to stay away from the house. Then again, if he relapsed and pummeled one of his roommates, he could say, “MTV made me do it.” We’re not talking about responsible adults here.

Sara: Even if it burns when you pee?

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at
cableboxing.blogspot.com

The season — or what’s left of it — in TV

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

By normal criteria — complete seasons, multi-layered story arcs and full-blown characterizations — the 2007-2008 television season basically sucked.

Hamstrung by a months-long writers’ strike, FOX let Jack Bauer take a “day” off; CBS let kids run a small ghost town, and they’ll probably wind up in therapy because of it; a “Dancing With The Stars” dame collapsed onstage … and through it all, we learned the meaning of tolerance, intestinal fortitude and the TiVo option.

Thank God for cable. HBO served up two grand slams: “The Sopranos” and “The Wire.” Both will continue to generate DVD sales well into the future, provided online fan fury over Tony’s denouement doesn’t prompt David Chase to “finish” the story. Five seasons of flawless, and infuriating, interpretations on drugs in our society, “The Wire” ended on a high note, and should make a nice addition to, we hope, a never-ending cultural dialogue on drugs.

Showtime was no slouch, either: “Dexter” shows Louisville love in Jennifer Carpenter’s portrayal of Debra, Dexter’s neurotic sister. “The L Word,” now entering its final season, arguably had the world’s first all-lesbian, mob-style “sit-down” (in Mafia parlance) and reconnected power couple Bette and Tina. And “Californication” proved David Duchovny would have life beyond “The X-Files.”

Not all network shows bit it, though. When the season finally rebooted in April, there were some finales we couldn’t ignore, nor despise:

The Office
The fourth season finale explores how to improve your coworker/employee’s going-away party:

Step 1: Your boss is immature enough to hide his grandma’s monthly check in his sock for months, then whips it out to pay for food, a live band, a Ferris wheel and fireworks at your sendoff.

Step 2: Your new human-resources department head is a quirky knockout who strangely misinterprets the signs of mental retardation, ;).

Step 3: Your kiss-ass underling succeeds in humiliating a difficult employee, while also opening you up to corporate reprimand.

Step 4: Your ex reveals she’s pregnant thanks to a sperm donor. Maybe your sperm shrivel up and die out of inertia.

Last of all …

Step 5: Your idiot coworker steals your engagement thunder by engaging himself to a prudish She-Devil. —MH

CSI
If you haven’t seen this yet, stop reading now. Eight (well, 7½) seasons in, the ensemble cast led by William Petersen continues to throw curveballs and put on a clinic for other crime shows. Regular readers of csifiles.com knew Gary Dourdan was out the door weeks ago. But the send-off? Brutal and disturbed. Which is how I’ll feel after this show goes off the air. —MH

The Hills
The best line ever uttered on this popular MTV reality series came when Audrina and Lauren were trying to sort out their failing friendship: Audrina looks deadpan at Lauren and says, “It’s not always about you, Lauren.” You go, girl! Except, the show is actually all about Lauren, unfortunately, which means if you move out of her house, Audrina, you’re probably off the show. I’d be annoyed at feeling like the third wheel, too … and since when did Justin-Bobby come out looking like the knight in shining, greasy armor? Heidi gives up glamorous job for deadbeat boyfriend Spencer — guess we know whose carpet matches their curtains. —SH

American Idol
It’s David vs. David — who really gives a rat’s ass? Any other year, these two would not be the last standing. Can you picture either of them up against Kelly Clarkson? A) We don’t need another generic rocker. B) We don’t need another pretty-boy crooner. After this pathetic season, I may have to hang up the phone on “Idol” forever. —SH

30 Rock
Things I want to know after watching the “30 Rock” season finale:
1) When do I get a 350,000th floor office?

2) How many people wrap compliments about themselves in a compliment about you, and is that actually weird?

3) Who fakes an orgasm better: Jane Krakowski or Meg Ryan?

4) How many “Freedom Searches” have been conducted on enemy combatants?

5) Are cheese chips and bull semen a baby-making combination? —MH

Survivor: Micronesia
Amanda should have gotten the million over spinster Parvati. And in a perfect world, the real brains behind most of the plotting, Cirie, should have gotten it over Amanda. Life’s not fair, and neither is “Survivor.” Glad to see Amanda and Ozzy hooking it up in the aftermath. Big Bird is still my fav. —SH

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com

The family that cons together …

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Riches
Season 2, Episode: Trust Never Sleeps
FX, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. Aired April 15. Starring Eddie Izzard, Minnie Driver, Shannon Marie Woodward, Todd Stashwick, Aidan Mitchell, Noel Fisher and Gregg Henry.
Synopsis: Living the straight life continues to prove difficult for Dahlia, and Wayne receives a surprise visitor while at work.

Mat: This episode is now almost a week old, but because Izzard performed last week at the Palace, we’re still timely. His transition from standup comedian/executive transvestite to vagabond con artist Wayne Malloy on FX’s newest original series sounded like a quantum leap. But the overall plotline to “The Riches” is smarter than, say, “Gossip Girl.”

Sara: Hey, I take offense to that. Why must you put down something in an attempt to compliment? I happen to like “Gossip Girl” in all its tween glory. But back to “The Riches,” which you forced me to watch this week. I liked the actors — Minnie Driver and Eddie Izzard are usually solid in any role — but I got a little lost in the storyline, probably because this was my first viewing. It’s hard to come into a show in the middle of its second season. But I tried. Can you give me some background?

Mat: When Wayne, wife Dahlia (Driver), sons Cael and Sam (Fisher and Mitchell) and daughter Dehliah (Woodward) kill an elderly rich couple in a car accident, they assume the couple’s identities. It turns out keeping up appearances is harder than it looks. The family that cons together stays together, but this episode shows cracks in the Riches’ façade. Dahlia’s con unravels when a cop busts her after she’s carjacked outside her “apartment.” But the gumshoe lets her go! Unbelievable.

Sara: You know, I couldn’t help but think Matt Damon and Ben Affleck would come to her rescue during that scene. Not some husky-voiced detective whose intentions seemed questionable. How ’bout dem apples? (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Mat: It’s nice to know that kids today still look up to their parents as role models. Even if dear old dad’s covering up a brutal murder by stealing evidence from a private investigator’s hotel room. That Sam had the presence of mind to wipe his dad’s blood off the hotel room door should earn him a few brownie points — and a new ride when he turns 16 — from pops.

Sara: Yeah, my dad used to take me to Dairy Queen when I wiped his blood off seedy hotel doorknobs.

Mat: During the dialogue between Wayne and Sam at the hotel, Izzard’s British accent creeped out for a brief moment. Driver was close, but her Southern, aw-shucks lilt was more believable. The next phone call should be to a dialogue coach. If it worked for James Gandolfini, it can work for you. No one wants another Kevin Costner.

Sara: I must say the fake accents were off-putting. I thought Driver’s character was conning the cop by using such an over-the-top Southern accent. But it turns out she’s just trying to con the viewing public. Well, shucks, ain’t that a pity!

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com

"The Paper" is Eazy-er said than dunn

The Paper

Premiere Episode
MTV; Mondays at 10:30 p.m., aired April 14. Starring Amanda, Alex, Adam, Giana, Trevor and Mrs. Weiss.
Synopsis: For many soon-to-be seniors at Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Fla., it’s time to battle it out for the position of editor-in-chief of The Circuit. But only one will score the top slot. See what it takes to build an editorial team and run an award-winning paper.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Sara: I love the “The Paper”! I’m definitely hooked, and it’s all because of Amanda. She’s nerdy yet confident. Bossy but unaffected. The others talk behind her back — and right to her face, actually — and it doesn’t seem to bother her. How does she do it? And I love her opening line: “Journalists are the most important part of the world.” So true.

Mat: “Watch out world, here comes Amanda” is one of those sentiments that, frankly, inspires only the finest vomit. I’m sure working at The Circuit feels really important to these kids right now, but it’s hard to imagine their antics translating to a professional newsroom. Do you think it would be cool if we all got in a huddle and started chanting “LEO”?

Sara: You know, it’s not a bad idea. I also think we should borrow their tactic of handing out papers via being pushed on a dolly. Do you want top or bottom?

Mat: We would save money on gas, and I do need the exercise. I don’t know why there’s such a “race” to be editor. I was editor of my high school newspaper, and it wasn’t glamorous. I sure as hell didn’t sing about laying out page 1.

Sara: Well, you are the music editor. I’d like to hear some Nickelback from you next time you finish up your music pages. Meanwhile, I’ll break into some Eazy-E when the A&E pages are checked. Now how do we get the others to play along? Gimmie that, gimmie that, gimmie that NYT Crossword Puzzle!

Mat: Canada — and commercial radio — should apologize for Nickelback. As should you for even uttering the name.
This show proves journalists can’t be actors. Can you believe Amanda when she says, “Procrastination is a foe that I have not met yet”? Wait until college, when you discover the concept of cramming. Procrastination will be your best friend. As will coffee.

Sara: And don’t forget bourbon, No-Doz and Marlboro Lights.

Mat: “Cream of bitch” = best line. Quite literary. Did you find it weird that the all the past editors’ first names began with the letter A?

Sara: If it was a precursor for Amanda getting the “in-chief” position, then no, I found nothing weird with it at all. I’d like to see Adam get his emotions in check. Ritalin anyone?

Mat: Yeah, he’s got ADD written all over him. In the future, he’ll probably wind up a CEO or hedge fund manager. His off-site pow-wow with the other staffers over how Amanda will ruin the paper shows a knack for the diabolical.
The air’s gonna leak out of this tire pretty quick, though. MTV says they “found” this staff, even though they posted a casting notice on realitywanted.com last year, which makes the show’s appeal, if you wanna call it that, ring hollow. All these docu-dorks are gonna overact so they can parlay their roles into careers in show business. Nothing wrong with that, just don’t be surprised if this Circuit shorts out. Once senior year hits, you care less about punctuation and grammar and more about hitting the nearest keg party.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"ER," I want a divorce

BY SARA HAVENS

We interrupt our regularly scheduled episode of Cable Boxing for this one-sided commentary by Sara. Apparently, Mat is off frolicking with the recently booted Survivor Big Bird Kathy. His penance: viewing every episode of this season’s “The Hills,” then commenting weekly on the Cable Boxing blog (cableboxing.blogspot.com). It seems only fair.

This isn’t working. I can no longer pretend to be in love with you. We’ve had a good run, wouldn’t you say? I’ll walk away with only good memories of our 14 years together. Fourteen years. I just don’t feel the connection anymore. We’re two good people who aren’t good together. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I’ve stayed faithful. I DVR you on a regular basis — but you just sit there, taking up space, while I find excuses to watch everything else but you.

Thank you for moving out a few months ago. I’ve had time to reflect on our relationship — to recall the good times and bad times. We’ve just had so many people come and go — I can’t keep up with who we call friends and which of those friends are going to up and leave us. First it was George Clooney. Then Julianna Margulies. Then Sherry Stringfield, of all people. And when Anthony Edwards got brain cancer, I couldn’t take it. We were there for him, and that was a tough loss to take. And don’t get me started on Noah Wyle, Eriq La Salle, Maria Bello, the British red-headed lady and the cane-wielding Dr. Weaver. Our relationship has been a revolving door, and I’m sick of it. So sick that perhaps I should pay my own visit to County General.

Remember the time you had to push that baby back into the mother? Or how about when you got your hand chopped off by the helicopter on the roof? Oooh, or the time you killed off that poor girl from “Life Goes On”? Those were the days. I’ll admit our relationship started to suffer when you went off on your African adventures. Sure it’s not all baby-blue scrubs and fake blood, but I needed you here. It was a confusing time for me.

Yes, I like Maura Tierney. Perhaps she’s the reason I’ve stuck it out for so long. But she wasn’t there in the beginning — she doesn’t really know us. And I think she’s played out. What is there left for Abby? She’s shagged just about every male castmember. She’s been through rehab and a schizo brother, an over-zealous mother, a baby, a marriage, another stint in rehab … shall I continue? And I know you brought in John Stamos for me. Honey, that was a nice gesture. But even he can’t save this marriage.

It’s not you, “ER,” it’s me. Truth is, I’ve found someone. I believe the term is “emotional friend.” But before I move to the next level with “Grey’s Anatomy,” I need to end this relationship with you. My life has room for only one hour-long medical drama. It’s time I move on, babe. Can’t we still be friends? Hey, chin up. I’m sure I’ll catch you in syndication from time to time. And when I do, I’ll smile and say hello. Please don’t make this awkward.

Now, can you sign these papers?


Idol’s 8
We’re down to eight contestants on “American Idol,” and I still don’t have a favorite. It’s been an odd year. First of all, I can’t tell the two — or is it three? — rocker dudes apart. One has an Australian accent and one has too much hair in his face. Or are they the same person? Did they graduate from the Nickelback school of raspy-voice rawk? Then there’s Kristy, who should have gone back to her horses way before the Indiana rock ’n’ roll nurse got the boot. I guess I like Brooke. She’s harmless and interesting. I think Carly is a fan favorite, but she just doesn’t have the “it” factor, other than that cool Irish accent. And don’t get me started little-boy-blue David. Once I found out he was born in the ’90s, he was dead to me. Dead. Grow a pair.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"The Hills" have cries, too

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Hills
Season 3, Episodes 20 & 21: “Back To L.A.” & “An Unlikely Friend”
MTV; Mondays at 10 p.m., aired March 31. Starring Lauren Conrad, Audrina Partridge, Whitney Port, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt.
Synopsis: Lauren and Whitney’s time in Paris has come to an end, and now everything is different. Whitney leaves Teen Vogue. Lauren is in for an unpleasant surprise on her first day back at the Fashion Institute.

Sara: Yes! Now this is a show I love. A spin-off of MTV’s popular “Laguna Beach” reality show, “The Hills” follows the ever-so-stressful life of California yuppie Lauren Conrad. She’s got a sweet internship at Teen Vogue. She attends class from time to time. She lives in a posh West Hollywood apartment with her best friend Audrina. And she parties all the time. But yet Blondie has drama everywhere she turns. It must be so tough to be rich, young, beautiful and constantly trailed by a camera crew.

Mat: Let it be duly noted that you just used “California yuppie” and “stressful” in the same sentence. Put another notch in the “Kill MTV” column. Fewer videos. Less depth. Now it’s soaps about dopes. Granted, incredibly hot dopes, but dopes nonetheless. I cannot empathize with people who live in a place where it’s sunny every day.

Sara: So Lauren and Whitney get back from Paris and immediately make life changes. Whitney leaves Teen Vogue to pursue a bigger and better career in the fashion industry, and Lauren rolls her eyes at Brody. Have I been watching too much “L Word,” or did you think Whitney and Lauren were totally going to get it on in the Vogue offices on her last day? W: “I don’t know how I’m going to walk into my office and not see your face every day.” L: “Awww, you wore the same bag as you wore the first day. The first time I met you, you wore that bag.” W: “What are we going to do without each other?”

Mat: You might be onto something. Subtext is ever-present, but their sweet-nothings are more harmless schoolgirl jabber than carnal lust.

Sara: I absolutely loathe Spencer. Asshole! Does he remind you of Beavis?

Mat: Beavis might have more going on upstairs. Not dating again? Wait, is that melodrama I smell? What a crock. Although, Heidi’s a bit naïve, too. If you give up all your friends over a relationship, you can’t blame anyone but yourself.

Sara: After ending world hunger and all the wars and stuff, my next wish would be for Lauren and Heidi to be BFFs again. Don’t think it’s gonna happen, though. Now that Spencer’s sister Stephanie (aka Heidi’s best friend) has computer class with Lauren, the two have forged a bond that will definitely put Speidi in a tizzy.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at
cableboxing.blogspot.com

How I Met Your Pop Star's Mom

How I Met Your Mother

Episode 313: “Ten Sessions”
CBS; Mondays at 8:30 p.m., aired March 24. Starring Josh Radnor,
Jason Segel, Neil Patrick Harris,
Alyson Hannigan and Cobie Smulders.
Synopsis: Ted is repeatedly snubbed in his attempts to get a date with Stella (Sarah Chalke), his dermatologist, but her receptionist, Abby (Britney Spears), becomes infatuated with him.


BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Mat: So here we are, contributing to the mountain of Britney coverage. And to think, I was just beginning to like this column.

Sara: Wait. What? Britney was on this week’s episode? I had no idea.

Mat: Maybe I’m taking this way too seriously, but when I first heard of her cameo, I thought it reeked of a publicity stunt. Then I read Rolling Stone’s cover story, the one where the Associated Press circulated a memo that said everything she does is news … insane.

Her role on this show isn’t funny — eh, a little — it’s creepy. Her line “When people yell at me, I start crying,” had an eerie truth to it; and running after Ted (Josh Radnor) at the end reinforced her image as a desperate pop star.

Sara: I disagree. I didn’t think she did half bad with the few lines she was given. Of course I thought Sarah Chalke ran circles around her, but that’s how the characters were written. I don’t think this is the big Britney comeback that everyone is predicting. Since when is a guest appearance on a half-hour sitcom a comeback? How about an album, Brit? Or maybe try getting your kids back first.

Mat: Not a comeback per se, but celebs do drop in all the time. Ever watch “Friends”? I read that she’s auctioning her wardrobe from the show. Spending $700,000 a month must be taking its toll on the pocketbook. Time for a new record, indeed.

Sara: But one quick sidenote: Who was expecting a pop princess showdown between Ms. Spears and Robin Sparkle? If you didn’t tune in last year, Robin (Cobie Smulders) revealed a childhood secret to the gang that she was a huge Canadian pop star in her teens. I believe her hit song was “Let’s Go To The Mall,” which I still listen to on my iPod. She’s even one of my MySpace friends!

Mat: Stay on topic, Havens. We’re talking about this week. Do you suffer from feliculafelia?

Sara: Definitely not! I think facial hair — well, body hair in general — is scary. Only a few can truly pull it off. Jack on “Lost” is one of them.

Mat: Thanks to “Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle,” Neil Patrick Harris will always be a coke-snorting gigolo who prefers his ladies topless. Waiting an entire year to pull a mustache prank does take patience and cunning, though. I might have to borrow that trick.

Sara: He’ll always be Doogie Howser to me.

Mat: If I ever hear that keyboard sound again, it’ll be too soon. Chalke’s appearance is endearing, but her character on this show wishes it was as whip smart as “Scrubs.”

Sara: She’ll always be Becky No. 2 to me.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

What happened to Big Bird?

On "Survivor" last night, my favorite contestant, Kathleen, just up and left. She didn't even get voted off! The rain and lack of soap seemed to get the best of her. I think she should have stuck in there and at least volunteered to get voted off next time her team lost. But instead, she cried SOS and Jeff Probst came to her rescue. Hope whatever is back home for her was worth leaving the show abruptly.

Now who do I root for? James? —Sara Havens

"The Return" of Posey and Ambrose

The Return of Jezebel James

Episodes: “Pilot” & “Frankenstein Baby”
FOX; Fridays at 8 p.m., aired March 14. Starring Parker Posey, Lauren Ambrose, Scott Cohen, Michael Arden and Dianne Wiest.
Synopsis: Sarah, a single children’s book editor, reconnects with her slacker sister, Coco, in this half-hour comedy. Sarah wants to have a baby but is unable to conceive, so she asks younger sis Coco to carry her child. (tvguide.com)

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Mat: I liked this. Tightly written, funny, I didn’t lose interest once.

Sara: Yes, it was pretty good for a Friday night sitcom. But how many people are actually watching television on a Friday night? I guess in this TiVo age, it doesn’t matter as long as you remember to set it.
It’s being touted with the tagline: “From the creator of ‘Gilmore Girls.’” But I’m just happy to see Parker Posey land a good gig. And Lauren Ambrose has been missing since HBO buried “Six Feet Under” in 2005.

Mat: Ah, Lauren Ambrose. My neurotic crush Claire has returned. Still neurotic, still hilarious. But she’s got nothing on Posey. Who knew she could kill on network television?

Sara: Did you see her film “The Oh in Ohio” a few years back? Good stuff. I thought she did a great job here as the overanxious yuppie Sarah — who has everything going for her except a fully functioning uterus. Enter her estranged sister Coco (what’s up with that name?), whose oven, we assume, is self-cleaning.

Mat: Your thoughts on the surrogate mother thing? Makes me glad I’m male.

Sara: No thanks. I may love you, but I don’t looove you, if you know what I’m sayin’. Nine months of pain, vomiting and sobriety and you don’t even get to keep the prize at the end? Pass. I’m not even sure I fully bought her character’s desire to have a child. Seemed like once she found out she couldn’t get pregnant, she made it her mission to find a surrogate.
I did enjoy the cartwheel gag, though. When the doctor tells Sarah she can’t conceive, she remembers cheerleading tryouts — they told her she couldn’t land a cartwheel, and she practiced until she finally could. So why should this not-having-a-baby thing be any different?

Mat: Biology has a certain, shall we say, hold on willpower, though. I took gymnastics when I was a kid, and I am here to say that cartwheels are, in fact, a pain in the ass, back, arms and, well, I’m just out of shape …
Dianne Wiest is enjoying a nice creative jag. “In Treatment” and now this. Her character’s voice couldn’t be more nails-on-a-chalkboard irritating, but that seems to be the point.

Sara: Oh, yeah, the mom from “Footloose” is in this show! Bonus.

Mat: Everybody cut, everybody cut.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"The Wire" is gone but not forgotten

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Wire
Episode 60: “—30—”
HBO, Series finale, aired March 9. Starring Dominic West, Wendell Pierce, Clark Johnson, Lance Reddick, Sonja Sohn, Clarke Peters and Seth Gilliam.

Synopsis: Carcetti maps out a damage-control scenario with the police brass in the wake of a startling revelation from Pearlman and Daniels. Their choice: Clean up the mess ... or hide the dirt. Bubbles debates whether to greenlight a newspaper story about his life; Dukie seeks out an old mentor for a loan; Marlo oversees a new co-op order as he maps out his next move. As the officers stage an Irish wake for another dearly departed officer, the seeds of the future are sown throughout Baltimore. (HBO.com)

Sara: “The Wire” has come to an end. It’s the talk of the town, and for good reason. HBO should be commended once again for providing quality TV programming. In a country where the naming of the most recent “Dancing With The Stars” contestants gets higher billing than the Democratic primaries or the war in Iraq, it’s good to hear that such a groundbreaking show made such an impact. That being said, I never watched the show, I’m sorry to say. So Sunday night’s series finale was my first. Think of it as skipping to the end before starting a book — I definitely plan on consuming all five seasons this spring.

Mat: Shame on you. As punishment, you will buy all the series’ DVDs when they come out. And watch the extras. And the credits. For each episode. But at least you’re watching. If it isn’t already, “The Wire” should be required viewing for Metro Mayor Jerry Abramson, Police Chief Robert White and Commonwealth Attorney David Stengel, and whoever else is involved in adjudicating crime in Louisville. We’re not lily white, either.

Sara: Seemed like everyone had their paws in some dirty business — from the cops to the city government officials to the newspapermen. Truth is indeed stranger than fiction.

Mat: Yeah, everyone covers his or her own keister, but that’s the great aspect of “The Wire.” It doesn’t skew toward the overdriven “Entourage,” or the dearly departed “Sopranos” — “The Wire” is about exploring gray areas. Conflicts start but are not resolved. Like, you know, in real life. Co-creator David Simon, a former Baltimore Sun reporter, shows his contempt for the state of newspapers today, while showing that real press peeps (like Clark Johnson’s character) don’t chase glory like a paparazzi chases Britney Spears.

Sara: Yes — in one of the last scenes, Gus (Johnson) looked around his dwindling newsroom and said, “The pond is getting smaller and the fish are getting nervous.” Loved the stark scenes of the Baltimore cityscape throughout. Some showed the beauty of the eastern city, while others revealed the grit that lies beneath postcard views.

Mat: Baltimore is depressing, and the characters’ behavior is a function of that. Maybe they need a Museum Plaza. Or a new arena. Hey, the Cordish Co. is based there. Oh, wait …

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

'October Road' jumps on the Speedwagon for season finale

Did anyone see last night's two-hour season finale of "October Road"? Is anyone besides me watching this show? I actually like it, believe it or not. It's definitely got some storyline challenges, but the characters are pretty well-developed and well-rounded. They haven't said whether it'll return next season, but I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Regardless of whether Nick will ever reunite with Hannah and find out that the kid is his -- the show has some of the best music in primetime TV. Loved the last scene in last night's episode where the guys were air-banding to REO Speedwagon's "Roll With The Changes." What a great song. And last week's episode incorporated Skid Row's "I Remember You" throughout the characters' flashbacks to a younger, innocent time.

I'd really like to see that guy get out of the house sometime, too. He and Pizza Girl are cute together, but he needs to get over his issues. —Sara Havens

'L Word' renewed for one last season, kinda

It was just announced that Showtime's "The L Word" has been renewed for a sixth season, which will be its last. Unfortunately, only eight episodes are planned, as opposed to the usual 10 or 12 that make up a full season. "The L Word" is Showtime's longest running original series ("Queer as Folk" only made it five seasons).

For fans of the show, the news solicited mixed reactions. I'm glad that it will be returning in early 2009. However, I'm skeptic that it can be wrapped up in just eight episodes.

Here are some hopes for what Season 6 may hold --

-Let's keep Bette and Tina together this season, shall we?
-Get Erin Daniels back on board and have her play Dana in flashbacks ... or as a randy ghost forever haunting Alice.
-Have Shane cut her hair. (OK, only kidding)
-May Jenny find true love she's so desperately seeking.
-Give Alice her own TV show.
-And bring back Helena and Papi and Ivan.

Just some ideas. Am I missing anything else? —Sara Havens

"The Captain" and its "Melrose Place" ties

Welcome to The Captain
Episode 5: “Mr. Big Meeting”
CBS, Mondays, 8:30 p.m., aired March 3. Starring Fran Kranz, Chris Klein, Jeffrey Tambor, JoAnna Garcia, Raquel Welch, Al Madrigal and Valerie Azlynn.
Synopsis: After Marty lands Josh a meeting with the president of Paramount, Uncle Saul insists on helping him with his pitch. Also, while Jesus is busy checking the building’s smoke detectors, Astrid stands in for him at the front desk.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS


Sara: OK, so let me get this straight. This show revolves around a legendary, high-end, L.A. apartment building where most of the residents are up-and-coming or has-been stars. “Melrose Place” it is not, unfortunately. But for a half-hour sitcom, it was pretty entertaining. Fran Kranz aptly leads the small cast. He’s like the “guy next door” who’s not really cool, but you don’t mind using him for his Guitar Hero, or making him watch “Dirty Dancing” on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Mat: Only in L.A. would a plot like this make sense, but it’s good to see Jeffrey Tambor still working. His role as crooked George Bluth Sr. on “Arrested Development” is one of the funniest characters ever. The “Box of Endings” gag is the kind of layered humor sitcoms need. Do writers reach into said box when they’re stuck? I don’t doubt it. How else could you explain “Independence Day” or “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines”?

Sara: Yes, Tambor’s role as Uncle Saul is great. I love how he continuously drops his “Three’s Company” ties. I also like the Josh/Hope relationship dynamic. He’s madly in love with her. She’s got a boyfriend. Will they ever transition from neighbors to lovers? Looking at the rate of success for sitcoms, probably not before this show gets scrapped.

Mat: Maybe, unlike FOX, CBS will let this show run for a minute. It’s got potential. Oh, they’ll hook up, but it won’t last. Could you see the way Hope ogled him when she asked if the couple in his screenplay wound up together in the end? She’s into him, and he knows it.

Sara: Typical guy response. There’s a fine line between being cordial to someone and wanting to jump their bones. Hope’s still trying to figure him out — he’s too nice to have a fling with and too dorky to leave her boyfriend for. A rock and a hard place.

Mat: Ladies never fall for the nice guy. It’s an arcane mentality that continues to mess with the natural order of the universe. Dorky is charming, but Hope just has to wake up and realize Josh is her ticket to romance. Or at least the Oscars.

Sara: Can we get back to “Melrose Place” for a second here? Tell me, who were your favorites? Billy/Alison? Jo/Jake? Ooohhh, what about Amanda/Peter/Kimberly? Not since “Golden Girls” had apartment living been so rousing.

Mat: Betty White doesn’t exactly turn me on, and as a general rule, threesomes are always better.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

‘"Survivor" of the fittest, dumbest and most naive Big Bird

Survivor: Micronesia — Fans vs. Favorites

Episode: 3
CBS, Thursdays, 8 p.m., aired Feb. 21. Starring your next door neighbor, a law student, a firefighter, an ice cream scooper and maybe the third cousin you never liked …
Synopsis: The Fans finally get the matchup they’ve been waiting for when they learn they must compete head-to-head in a full contact battle with The Favorites.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS


Mat: Admit it. You’re only into this for the half-naked dudes.

Sara: Nah, it’s all blurred out anyway. I’ve been watching since Season 1, son. And we’re on 16!

Mat: This is a sociological experiment gone awry. Why would I want to watch perfect strangers give into their greedy impulses? We’re probably encouraging terrorism, too, barging in on these island countries with camera crews, tearing up jungles and wearing “warpaint” I could buy from Wal-Mart.

Sara: Granted I have no idea where Micronesia is, but it’s awfully perty scenery, don’t you think? Sharks and spiders and lizards and gravediggers! So this season, we have The Fans against The Favorites from the past few years. The evil but silly Jonny Fairplay was out first, and now it’s Yau-Man. Poor little guy — I wasn’t quite sure why Cirie wanted him out so badly.

Mat: It’s all promoting manipulation, alliances, backroom deals. Like Congress at the beach. The interviews are horrid. Jonathan’s diatribe about Yau being “led to the slaughter” by Cirie was a couple notches above melodrama, as was Joel’s “I’m-gonna-kill-them” rant before the bag-football challenge. Dude, quit angling for a spot as an extra on “Law & Order.”

Sara: And then there’s Kathy, aka Big Bird. I was hoping they’d show more of her time on Exile Island with Ami. Her ignorance is my bliss. Remember when she asked Chet if being gay meant that he wanted to be a girl? And her genuine curiosity led her to ask a fellow teammate if she could touch her fake breasts. What are they teaching in Wisconsin?

Mat: Nothing; they’re on a permanent snow day, so all the kids are downloading music illegally and watching porn. I was waiting for Bird to ask Ami if her being gay meant that she wanted to be a boy. Then the ignorance would’ve come full circle.

Sara: You can’t write lines like that. It woulda been great, though.

Mat: Granted I’m no stranger to reality TV — the first season of the “Real World,” even an episode or two of “Flavor of Love” — but “Survivor” has always symbolized the beginning of the end for television. Discovery Channel is 10 times better. No councils, no voting, no immunity. Now that the strike’s over, I’ll take my fiction, thanks.

Sara: I’m gonna sick some Jeff Probst on your sorry ass!

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Breaking Bad" one toke over the line?

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Show: Breaking Bad

Episode 4: “Cancer Man”
AMC, Sundays, 10 p.m., aired Feb. 17. Starring Bryan Cranston, Anna Gunn, R.J. Mitte, Aaron Paul, Dean Norris and Betsy Brandt.

Synopsis: The DEA suspects there’s a new drug kingpin operating in Albuquerque. Walt and Skyler reveal Walt’s diagnosis to the rest of the family. Jesse makes a surprise visit to his straight-laced family.


Sara: I didn’t know AMC had original programming, so this was a first for me. Honestly, the premise sounds enticing — a middle-aged, mundane, high-school chemistry teacher finds out he’s got a terminal disease and decides to go into the meth business to raise some quick cash for his family. Unfortunately, I wasn’t too impressed with the characters or storylines to bring me back for another viewing.

Mat: In the immortal words of Job (“Arrested Development”), “Oh, come on!” This has everything you could want in a drug-fueled drama: meth, mortality and, most of all, momentum. I don’t feel like I’m watching an extended version of the “This is Your Brain on Drugs” commercial. No one character is completely innocent or flawed. It’s nice to see AMC explore the grey areas of drug use and why people do it.

Sara: I like the fact that Walt’s (Cranston) brother-in-law Hank (Norris) is also the town’s DEA agent. It has that incestuous factor that makes “Dexter” so appealing. Wait a minute, isn’t “Dexter” on at the same time as this show now? Sure it’s hacked and edited for CBS, but I’d almost rather spend my hour with a serial killer and his foul-mouthed sister than an insincere Walt and his one-dimensional, cookie-cutter wife Skyler (Anna Gunn).

Mat: Of course Walt’s not sincere. When was the last time you met a trustworthy drug dealer? Walk a mile in the man’s moccasins: If you were facing $90,000 in cancer treatments and couldn’t find an oncologist in your HMO network, what would you do, hold a bakesale? Build a lemonade stand?

Sara: I’d probably take off to Ireland. Die with a smile on my face. But really, I like the fact that he’s making illegal drugs to support his family. It’s such a good premise; for some reason, the show just doesn’t work for me. Like pot brownies. The set is sparse and dismal. Colors are muted and dull. We get that he’s sleepwalking through life — he’s almost tapped into that pathetic character that William H. Macy does so well. Almost.

Mat: We can agree that the destruction of Ken’s yuppie-mobile — and, by association, his massive, Bluetooth-inflated ego — brought the funny. Nothing’s better than watching a loudmouth get what he deserves. And Jesse (Aaron Paul) covering for his kid brother when the maid discovers his secret joint was cool, albeit depressing.

Sara: Yes, anyone with “Ken Wins” on the license plate deserves to lose the car he puts it on. Walt took care of that in fine form. And I, too, like the “chemistry” between Jesse and his younger bro. Skunk weed aside, Jesse did good tossing out the joint.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at
cableboxing.blogspot.com

"The L Word" gives it up to its Bette and Tina fans

Did you see last Sunday's episode? Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow. Bette and Tina (Tibette) fans have been asking for it since the couple parted ways two seasons ago. And now they finally got it ... twice! I like both characters, but they're not my favorites. Liked the choice of Feist's "Honey, Honey" in the second friction-filled scene.

I'll admit it, I hated Jenny at the beginning of this season. I thought they ruined her character beyond belief. But she's actually starting to become one of my favorites. Her scenes this season are laced with so many Season 1-throwbacks, it makes me nostalgic for the innocent days of Jenny and Marina; Alice and Dana; Shane and ... well, I guess some things never change. :)

Speaking of Alice. Glad her and Tasha are over -- hated to see her cry, though. I have a feeling all is not over, either. I hear she's going to be pulled into military investigations regarding Tasha and the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" shenanigans. Boring. Let's find Alice a worthy partner -- and let's hope she stays away from the meds on this breakup. (No more car chases in your Mini, Alice!)

Best line of the night: Tie:

1) "Puppy" - said by Tibette's daughter when the rats ran through The Planet.
2) "Fuck you and your dumb lover!" - said by Alice to the awful/annoying SheBar owners

This season is definitely on a roll. Certainly much better than S3 or S4. —Sara Havens