‘"Survivor" of the fittest, dumbest and most naive Big Bird

Survivor: Micronesia — Fans vs. Favorites

Episode: 3
CBS, Thursdays, 8 p.m., aired Feb. 21. Starring your next door neighbor, a law student, a firefighter, an ice cream scooper and maybe the third cousin you never liked …
Synopsis: The Fans finally get the matchup they’ve been waiting for when they learn they must compete head-to-head in a full contact battle with The Favorites.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS


Mat: Admit it. You’re only into this for the half-naked dudes.

Sara: Nah, it’s all blurred out anyway. I’ve been watching since Season 1, son. And we’re on 16!

Mat: This is a sociological experiment gone awry. Why would I want to watch perfect strangers give into their greedy impulses? We’re probably encouraging terrorism, too, barging in on these island countries with camera crews, tearing up jungles and wearing “warpaint” I could buy from Wal-Mart.

Sara: Granted I have no idea where Micronesia is, but it’s awfully perty scenery, don’t you think? Sharks and spiders and lizards and gravediggers! So this season, we have The Fans against The Favorites from the past few years. The evil but silly Jonny Fairplay was out first, and now it’s Yau-Man. Poor little guy — I wasn’t quite sure why Cirie wanted him out so badly.

Mat: It’s all promoting manipulation, alliances, backroom deals. Like Congress at the beach. The interviews are horrid. Jonathan’s diatribe about Yau being “led to the slaughter” by Cirie was a couple notches above melodrama, as was Joel’s “I’m-gonna-kill-them” rant before the bag-football challenge. Dude, quit angling for a spot as an extra on “Law & Order.”

Sara: And then there’s Kathy, aka Big Bird. I was hoping they’d show more of her time on Exile Island with Ami. Her ignorance is my bliss. Remember when she asked Chet if being gay meant that he wanted to be a girl? And her genuine curiosity led her to ask a fellow teammate if she could touch her fake breasts. What are they teaching in Wisconsin?

Mat: Nothing; they’re on a permanent snow day, so all the kids are downloading music illegally and watching porn. I was waiting for Bird to ask Ami if her being gay meant that she wanted to be a boy. Then the ignorance would’ve come full circle.

Sara: You can’t write lines like that. It woulda been great, though.

Mat: Granted I’m no stranger to reality TV — the first season of the “Real World,” even an episode or two of “Flavor of Love” — but “Survivor” has always symbolized the beginning of the end for television. Discovery Channel is 10 times better. No councils, no voting, no immunity. Now that the strike’s over, I’ll take my fiction, thanks.

Sara: I’m gonna sick some Jeff Probst on your sorry ass!

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Breaking Bad" one toke over the line?

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Show: Breaking Bad

Episode 4: “Cancer Man”
AMC, Sundays, 10 p.m., aired Feb. 17. Starring Bryan Cranston, Anna Gunn, R.J. Mitte, Aaron Paul, Dean Norris and Betsy Brandt.

Synopsis: The DEA suspects there’s a new drug kingpin operating in Albuquerque. Walt and Skyler reveal Walt’s diagnosis to the rest of the family. Jesse makes a surprise visit to his straight-laced family.


Sara: I didn’t know AMC had original programming, so this was a first for me. Honestly, the premise sounds enticing — a middle-aged, mundane, high-school chemistry teacher finds out he’s got a terminal disease and decides to go into the meth business to raise some quick cash for his family. Unfortunately, I wasn’t too impressed with the characters or storylines to bring me back for another viewing.

Mat: In the immortal words of Job (“Arrested Development”), “Oh, come on!” This has everything you could want in a drug-fueled drama: meth, mortality and, most of all, momentum. I don’t feel like I’m watching an extended version of the “This is Your Brain on Drugs” commercial. No one character is completely innocent or flawed. It’s nice to see AMC explore the grey areas of drug use and why people do it.

Sara: I like the fact that Walt’s (Cranston) brother-in-law Hank (Norris) is also the town’s DEA agent. It has that incestuous factor that makes “Dexter” so appealing. Wait a minute, isn’t “Dexter” on at the same time as this show now? Sure it’s hacked and edited for CBS, but I’d almost rather spend my hour with a serial killer and his foul-mouthed sister than an insincere Walt and his one-dimensional, cookie-cutter wife Skyler (Anna Gunn).

Mat: Of course Walt’s not sincere. When was the last time you met a trustworthy drug dealer? Walk a mile in the man’s moccasins: If you were facing $90,000 in cancer treatments and couldn’t find an oncologist in your HMO network, what would you do, hold a bakesale? Build a lemonade stand?

Sara: I’d probably take off to Ireland. Die with a smile on my face. But really, I like the fact that he’s making illegal drugs to support his family. It’s such a good premise; for some reason, the show just doesn’t work for me. Like pot brownies. The set is sparse and dismal. Colors are muted and dull. We get that he’s sleepwalking through life — he’s almost tapped into that pathetic character that William H. Macy does so well. Almost.

Mat: We can agree that the destruction of Ken’s yuppie-mobile — and, by association, his massive, Bluetooth-inflated ego — brought the funny. Nothing’s better than watching a loudmouth get what he deserves. And Jesse (Aaron Paul) covering for his kid brother when the maid discovers his secret joint was cool, albeit depressing.

Sara: Yes, anyone with “Ken Wins” on the license plate deserves to lose the car he puts it on. Walt took care of that in fine form. And I, too, like the “chemistry” between Jesse and his younger bro. Skunk weed aside, Jesse did good tossing out the joint.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at
cableboxing.blogspot.com

"The L Word" gives it up to its Bette and Tina fans

Did you see last Sunday's episode? Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow. Bette and Tina (Tibette) fans have been asking for it since the couple parted ways two seasons ago. And now they finally got it ... twice! I like both characters, but they're not my favorites. Liked the choice of Feist's "Honey, Honey" in the second friction-filled scene.

I'll admit it, I hated Jenny at the beginning of this season. I thought they ruined her character beyond belief. But she's actually starting to become one of my favorites. Her scenes this season are laced with so many Season 1-throwbacks, it makes me nostalgic for the innocent days of Jenny and Marina; Alice and Dana; Shane and ... well, I guess some things never change. :)

Speaking of Alice. Glad her and Tasha are over -- hated to see her cry, though. I have a feeling all is not over, either. I hear she's going to be pulled into military investigations regarding Tasha and the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" shenanigans. Boring. Let's find Alice a worthy partner -- and let's hope she stays away from the meds on this breakup. (No more car chases in your Mini, Alice!)

Best line of the night: Tie:

1) "Puppy" - said by Tibette's daughter when the rats ran through The Planet.
2) "Fuck you and your dumb lover!" - said by Alice to the awful/annoying SheBar owners

This season is definitely on a roll. Certainly much better than S3 or S4. —Sara Havens

Big Brother 9 off to a rocky start

I'm not sure this "couples" idea is going to work out this year. Besides that, I'm just not accustomed to working in three nights of BB into my winter/spring TV schedule. In the summer, it's fine - there's nothing else on. But now I have to contend with "American Idol," "One Tree Hill" and replays of "The L Word."

This year I have Showtime, so I'll be able to watch "BB After Dark." Should be very interesting seeing what's not aired. Glad the exes went home last night. I'm kinda rooting for the Ohio dating couple -- but I think they blew their cover way too soon. Parker is cute. The other beefcakes are airheads. The old, bickering couple is annoying -- I bet they'll be going home soon. Oh, and it was great to see Eric and Jessica from BB8 -- they're still together ... sooo cute.

Just not sure about this "playing the game as a couples" thing. Lame. —Sara Havens

"Lipstick Jungle" rests its laurels on a stale formula

Episode: 101 “Pilot”
NBC, Thursdays, 10 p.m., aired Feb. 7. Starring Brooke Shields, Kim Raver, Lindsay Price, Andrew McCarthy and Julian Sands.

Synopsis: New York Fashion Week is in full swing. Victory Ford is ready to reclaim her title as the “It” designer. Her best friends, Wendy Healy and Nico Rielly, are front and center to support their friend.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Mat: “Sex and the City” creator Candace Bushnell’s drama scored some points with the locals when it used Peter Searcy’s song, “I Believe,” in its promos. Louisville connections aside, the pilot trolls familiar ground: Magazine editor Nico (Kim Raver), fashionista Victory (Lindsay Price) and film exec Wendy (Brooke Shields) are three successful, attractive women struggling with success, personal battles with their respective husbands/love interests, or in Nico’s case, a boy toy.

Sara: I’m definitely getting tired of fawning over the rich on TV when I can’t even afford a top-shelf bourbon here in Kentucky! Why is everyone in such a rush to recapture the magic of “Sex and the City” — I mean, it’s so obvious. One of the first NYC exterior shots was of the Empire State Building. So we gotta put up with three wealthy, fickle, middle-age broads who lack the charm of Carrie, innocence of Charlotte and cougar-capabilities of Samantha?

Mat: The dialogue’s pretty tight, but here’s the thing: Do we really want to watch a show about rich people when we’re heading toward a recession? I’m all for escapism, provided it doesn’t remind me of reality. What do I care if Nico gets her rocks off?

Sara: Was it just me, or did you think Nico’s hot hunk of 25-year-old beef wandered onto the wrong set? “Gossip Girl” is thataway, son. But thanks for playing. I do believe I heard some Goldfrapp during that sex scene, though, which scores major points.

Mat: The scathing critique of Victory’s show was hysterical. “Out with the old, in with the ew.” Brilliant. And when Wendy’s assistant points out the crumb on her breast. Put it this way: I’d watch Shields touch her boob anytime.

Sara: I’ll leave you to that. And I remember Victory from her 90210 days — fashionable she was not.

Mat: Victory was mousy in the beginning — all rhubarb scarves and cupcakes — but it was nice to see her actually grow a backbone and tell off the Japanese buyer who’s set on pilfering her designs. It’s hard to watch a fashion designer freak out, knowing she’s probably responsible for anorexics everywhere. And her paying for dinner was a nice touch. I dated a girl once who liked to buy dinner, but she was older and out of college, and I wasn’t.

Sara: My last date made me pay for my own part of the bill, even down to splitting the queso. I was older and out of college at the time. Hey, wait, you owe me $7.34!

Mat: You’ve got the wrong college kid. I pity Wendy’s husband Shane (Paul Blackthorne). It can’t be easy having a wife that’s more successful than you.

Sara: If you’ve got robust chest hair like that man, it doesn’t matter who brings home the bacon.

Mat: Ew.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

Law & Order: The next crop

On Jan. 4, The New York Times reported that NBC’s “Law & Order” might cross the Atlantic to launch a new chapter in London.

Seeing as how the longest running crime series in the history of television isn’t going away anytime soon, we thought we’d propose a few new additions to ensure the franchise usurps its cable headquarters, TNT (Channel 43 on your Insight dial), and lives on in perpetual syndication. (The original “Law & Order” airs Wednesdays on NBC at 10 p.m.)

Dun-dun:

“Law & Order: Crossing Guard” — Fed up with the callous strictures of retirement, a San Francisco (yep, “L&O” goes bicoastal on this one) baby-boomer reinvents herself as a dependable crossing guard to make sure kids stay on the sidewalk. Through rain, sleet, snow and soccer moms, this femme fatale helps children avoid certain death by playing on their fear of the automotive. With an intro sequence interpreting the legendary theme song by, who else? The White Stripes.

“Law & Order: Mall Security” — “Unhand that Prada!” shouts the ex-Special Forces operative-turned-rapacious mall overseer. With a keen eye for shoplifters, not to mention a secret fetish for Bath & Bodyworks gift baskets, this tour de farce is guaranteed to incite random thefts by disciples of Jay and Silent Bob.

“Law & Order: Locker Room” — Hired by a major league baseball team, two private detectives, whose names rhyme with Briscoe and Green, spend long hours rooting out rampant steroid use … before it starts. Possible cameos from Andy Pettite, Jason Giambi and Bud Selig.

“Law & Order: Clerks” — This psycho-criminal drama examines the social musings among courtroom stenographers. What are their lives like inside, and outside, the fast-paced drama of a trial? What is their preferred hand lotion? How quickly will they develop carpal tunnel? —Mat Herron

‘Lost’ returns Thursday

As my hour-long dramas (“Grey’s Anatomy,” “ER,” “Men in Trees”) and venerable sitcoms (“How I Met Your Mother,” “Two and a Half Men”) fall by the wayside this winter, I’ve got a different kind of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) that doesn’t have to do with the cold weather and lack of sunlight. What once got me through these dark and dismal times is gone — only to be replaced by shoddy reality shows about rehab and Scott Baio.

There is one beacon of hope in a heap of dying television shows — “Lost” returns for eight episodes starting Thursday at 9 p.m. on ABC. Although 16 were planned, only half were completed before the Writers Guild of America strike began in November.

So where were we? There will be an hour-long recap beginning at 8 p.m. before the first episode, thank god, because I haven’t a clue. I remember Charlie is down in a secret bunker under the ocean, and Jack has a radio that can signal for help. But was with those crazy flash-forwards of Jack and Kate in the future? Guess we’ll find out soon. Or will we? —Sara Havens

Ads, XLII-style

What will you be doing this weekend? Watching Super Bowl ads when the Patriots and the Giants clash on Sunday. Ad Age, which covers the advertising industry, says Anheuser-Busch, Audi, Toyota, Coca-Cola and Careerbuilder.com bought spots for Sunday’s contest, as have Sony, Universal and Warner Bros. Six of A-B’s seven TV spots will be devoted to Bud Light, the most spots ever for a single brand in Super Bowl history. —MH

What are you watching? Got a tip? Know a show we need to dissect, praise or vilify? Contact the writers at leo@leoweekly.com

‘One Tree Hill’ is one big … thrill?

One Tree Hill
Episode: “My Way Home Is Through You”
WB Network, Tuesdays, 9 p.m., aired Jan. 15. Starring Chad Michael Murray, Sophia Bush, Hilarie Burton, James Lafferty and Bethany Joy Galeotti. Written by John A. Norris. Directed by David Jackson.

Synopsis: Lucas’ editor wonders about the timing of his recent inspiration. Brooke and Peyton make business plans, and Mouth tries to win points with his boss.
(from www.cwtv.com)

Mat: I’m officially old. This has gotta be marketed toward 14- and 15-year-olds. That’s the only way to explain its hyperemotional dialogue and nice-n-cheesy faux wisdom.

Sara: Fourteen- and 15-year-olds and bored 20/30somethings, like me, who are trying to rekindle their lost youth, looking for the next Brandon Walsh or Dawson Leery to sweep them off their feet. Is that wrong? Why can’t we get lost in the fluff from time to time? Does everything have to be as serious as “The Wire”? I don’t want to live in a world that I can’t escape from!

And besides, this season they flash-forwarded four years and skipped the whole college bullshit. So now they’re adults, like you and me. Well, except we’re not starting our own music label; we don’t own a budding fashion company; we’ve never published a novel; and we’re not back at our old high school coaching the varsity basketball team. Well, at least I’m not. You sometimes strike me as a man of mystery, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you have your own fashion line.

Mat: In fact, I’m working on my own line of designer shoelaces. Explain how K-Fed still gets work? Granted, he’s got a few more cells in the noggin than his ex — that’s not saying much — but his delivery sucks, both as a singer/rapper and as an actor.

Sara: Apparently K-Fed wants to escape from the world, too, so he’s landed in Tree Hill, N.C., to deliver a bad Vanilla Ice impersonation. Can he jump-start Peyton’s (Burton) indie music label? Or should she have thrown him out with the creepy bamboo from her ex’s new lover? Stay tuned …

Mat: I’m not buying Lucas’ (Murray) whole writer/coach persona. Even if his favorite sports are basketball and football, writers don’t necessarily wake up to hotties like this editor chick. We’re usually washing off the drinks they throw at us to fend off our amorous advances. By the way, if I were dating an editor that looked as good as she did, I wouldn’t spend all night at my laptop churning out the Great American Novel.

Sara: You forget that you’re talking about Chad Michael Murray here. Yes, THE Chad Michael Murray. Sigh. This is a guy who, in real life, married Brooke (Bush) for a few weeks, then broke it off, and had to continue working side by side with her and a, we assume, spiteful cast. His smile obviously melts divorce papers.

Speaking of Brooke — we found out that Brooke’s mean boss lady (Daphne Zuniga … omg Jo from “Melrose Place”!) is her mother. The shock! The horror! Will she really make Brooke relocate to the mean streets of NYC?

Mat: Please, I saw that one coming. How was Brooke going to pay for that ridiculous bachelorette pad? If my kid pulled a stunt like that, I’d have smacked him or her upside the head with that plane ticket.

Equally unbelievable: Mouth (Lee Norris)’s boardroom make-out session with his boss. Skills’ “Hot Cougar Love” line is a great motto, but in the end, Mouth would be slapped with a sexual harassment charge quicker than you can say Clarence Thomas.

Sara: Mouth who? Oh — the nerdy minor character that they decided to throw more screen-time at this season? This is why I love DVR. FF on 4!

Mat: Strike two: Whose wife hires a nanny who’s as hot or hotter than she is? Haley (Galeotti) had better hope Nathan’s (Lafferty) ambulatory soon, or she’ll be walking in on a disaster.

Sara: The nanny needs to eat a meal or two so the camera can pick her up. I swear she disappears from scenes sometimes. Or is that just my shitty reception? More importantly, it took Nathan two episodes to shave that angry-at-the-world scruff off his face, so how long until he cuts his ridiculous hair?

Mat: The fact that you’re arguing about hair proves my point: “One Tree Hill” is a couple branches short of intelligent.

Sara: Wait … what?

Contact the writers at leo@leoweekly.com

Little ‘Lost’ and searching for razors

LOST
Episode: “The Beginning of the End”
ABC, Thursdays, 9 p.m., aired Jan. 31. Starring Matthew Fox, Jorge Garcia, Evangeline Lilly, Terry O’Quinn, Josh Holloway and Dominic Monaghan.
Synopsis: Feeling that their rescue is close at hand, the survivors don’t know whether to believe Charlie’s final message that the people claiming to liberate them are not who they seem to be.

Sara: So we’re on the island. Off the island. In the future. In the past. We jumped around so much in this first episode that I’ve got a mean case of jet lag. Thank god it’s not Oceanic Airline jet lag. But seriously. We’ve been given some interesting hints — like only six people made it off the island. Jack, Kate and Hurley we know for sure.

Mat: Fan-freakin-tastic! This is light years better than “Grey’s Anatomy” — yeah, I said it. J.J. Abrams’ creation doesn’t make me want to hop on a plane anytime soon, but if I’m ever stranded on a deserted island, I hope it’s with Kate (Evangeline Lilly). I’d only seen one or two episodes before this one, but once I saw the primer, this wasn’t hard to follow at all. What’s everyone so confused about?

Sara: Well, I guess you weren’t there for the mysterious polar bear. Or the Invisible Monster. Or seeing dead people. Or seeing ghosts, or trains, or prisons, or trucks. But enough with the past. In the flashes to the future, the main thrust of this episode was how Hurley (Jorge Garcia) is back in the mental hospital — seeing apparitions of a very sexy Charlie (Dominic Monaghan). And some scary Oceanic agent who had done ran out of business cards. Dropped too many in the “Win a Free Lunch” bowls? I can relate.

Mat: I liked the blatant O.J. Simpson reference during Hurley’s car chase with the cops. The footage took you straight back to 1995 and The Infamous White Bronco. And Jack (Matthew Fox) starting the day off with a screwdriver was a nice touch.

Sara: Yes, drinking in the daytime is always touching. But I think they’re trying to convey: “The folks who were rescued aren’t OK. They’ve got some deep, dark issues running amok.” From the flash-forwards, we know that perhaps there are still some survivors left on the island. Dead Charlie told a freaked Hurley that they need his help.

Mat: I hope Hurley errs on the side of self-preservation. Locke (Terry O’Quinn) is a slimy zealot who can’t be trusted.

Sara: I trust Locke. But the biggest mystery to date is why Jack is so afraid of razors. I understood why he sported facial scruff on the island. He was trying to woo Kate with the perfect George Michael-inspired 5 o’clock shadow. Oh, and razors weren’t rampant. But now he’s home, and it’s still there. What if it’s a remnant of the Island Monster that killed Mr. Echo? Maybe it refuses to leave his face. I don’t blame it.

Mat: Having just shaved myself, I can attest that faces and razors don’t mix.

Sara: Best scene had to be Hurley’s “Baywatch”-style slo-mo cannonball into the ocean. Or maybe it was Naomi’s overly dramatic death scene. That’s a toss-up.

Mat: I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Contact the writers at leo@leoweekly.com