Wednesday, May 28, 2008

"Real World XX" can’t be cured


BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Real World XX: Hollywood
Episode 6: “Greg vs. The House”
MTV; Wednesdays at 10 p.m., aired May 21.
Synopsis: After hearing his roommates do a confessional about him, Greg realizes that he doesn’t like most of the roommates. Kimberly admits to having feelings for Dave. Dave meets Justine and brings her back to the house, which upsets Kimberly. Will, knowing that Sarah has a boyfriend, kisses her anyway. Sarah’s boyfriend Ryan comes for a visit.


Sara: What the hell happened to my favorite show? I used to look so forward to a new “Real World” every year. Remember the good old days? Eric and Julie in New York? Jon and Beth O. in L.A.? Pedro and Puck in San Fran? Julie and Melissa in New Orleans? Seems like ever since the Vegas season, it’s now about watching gorgeous, brain-dead youngsters get drunk, fornicate and fight with each other.

Mat: This is kind of like watching your weird aunt die after a slow, painful existence. The progenitor of reality shows as we know it just can’t sustain itself. It’s become a grumpy, sleazy, cheating hooker who doesn’t know when to quit.

Sara: Even if it burns when she pees?

So let me get this straight — Kim likes Dave. Dave likes Kim’s body. Dave brings home another girl and seduces her with a stuffed rooster. Kim gets pissed. Why am I still watching again?

Mat: You haven’t gone through the three stages of grief yet: watch, gag, change channel. The girl whom Dave seduced? Judging from the looks of her, he didn’t have to try that hard.

Sara: So everyone hates Greg, aka “The Chosen One.” Hmmm … can’t see why, he’s a charmer — hides rocks in his roommates’ beds, steals Sarah’s underwear, refers to his female friends as “associates.” Classy. An excerpt from his confessional: “I am in the house with crazy fuckers. But again, I’m not gonna crack. I am a fuckin’ diamond. Diamond does not crack, it cuts.”

Mat: Suddenly, living in a Hollywood mansion is akin to “Survivorman.” What? You live in California. You get paid to drink and screw. What’s the problem with that? Other than it indicates your incessant need for attention.

Sara: Sarah’s nerdy boyfriend needs to grow a pair. Would you cower in your boxers as your hot girlfriend went toe-to-toe with a nut-job like Greg?

Mat: Of course, but that’s because I’m a veritable ninja. I think he handled it the right way. As long Greg doesn’t hit her, I’d let her tear him up for a few rounds.

Sara: So when does the seventh roommate get back from rehab? This blows. We need more violent, 3 a.m. wall-punchings.

Mat: As a former smoker, I had to stay aware of my “triggers,” things that would make me wanna light up. No. 7 would do well to stay away from the house. Then again, if he relapsed and pummeled one of his roommates, he could say, “MTV made me do it.” We’re not talking about responsible adults here.

Sara: Even if it burns when you pee?

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The season — or what’s left of it — in TV

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

By normal criteria — complete seasons, multi-layered story arcs and full-blown characterizations — the 2007-2008 television season basically sucked.

Hamstrung by a months-long writers’ strike, FOX let Jack Bauer take a “day” off; CBS let kids run a small ghost town, and they’ll probably wind up in therapy because of it; a “Dancing With The Stars” dame collapsed onstage … and through it all, we learned the meaning of tolerance, intestinal fortitude and the TiVo option.

Thank God for cable. HBO served up two grand slams: “The Sopranos” and “The Wire.” Both will continue to generate DVD sales well into the future, provided online fan fury over Tony’s denouement doesn’t prompt David Chase to “finish” the story. Five seasons of flawless, and infuriating, interpretations on drugs in our society, “The Wire” ended on a high note, and should make a nice addition to, we hope, a never-ending cultural dialogue on drugs.

Showtime was no slouch, either: “Dexter” shows Louisville love in Jennifer Carpenter’s portrayal of Debra, Dexter’s neurotic sister. “The L Word,” now entering its final season, arguably had the world’s first all-lesbian, mob-style “sit-down” (in Mafia parlance) and reconnected power couple Bette and Tina. And “Californication” proved David Duchovny would have life beyond “The X-Files.”

Not all network shows bit it, though. When the season finally rebooted in April, there were some finales we couldn’t ignore, nor despise:

The Office
The fourth season finale explores how to improve your coworker/employee’s going-away party:

Step 1: Your boss is immature enough to hide his grandma’s monthly check in his sock for months, then whips it out to pay for food, a live band, a Ferris wheel and fireworks at your sendoff.

Step 2: Your new human-resources department head is a quirky knockout who strangely misinterprets the signs of mental retardation, ;).

Step 3: Your kiss-ass underling succeeds in humiliating a difficult employee, while also opening you up to corporate reprimand.

Step 4: Your ex reveals she’s pregnant thanks to a sperm donor. Maybe your sperm shrivel up and die out of inertia.

Last of all …

Step 5: Your idiot coworker steals your engagement thunder by engaging himself to a prudish She-Devil. —MH

CSI
If you haven’t seen this yet, stop reading now. Eight (well, 7½) seasons in, the ensemble cast led by William Petersen continues to throw curveballs and put on a clinic for other crime shows. Regular readers of csifiles.com knew Gary Dourdan was out the door weeks ago. But the send-off? Brutal and disturbed. Which is how I’ll feel after this show goes off the air. —MH

The Hills
The best line ever uttered on this popular MTV reality series came when Audrina and Lauren were trying to sort out their failing friendship: Audrina looks deadpan at Lauren and says, “It’s not always about you, Lauren.” You go, girl! Except, the show is actually all about Lauren, unfortunately, which means if you move out of her house, Audrina, you’re probably off the show. I’d be annoyed at feeling like the third wheel, too … and since when did Justin-Bobby come out looking like the knight in shining, greasy armor? Heidi gives up glamorous job for deadbeat boyfriend Spencer — guess we know whose carpet matches their curtains. —SH

American Idol
It’s David vs. David — who really gives a rat’s ass? Any other year, these two would not be the last standing. Can you picture either of them up against Kelly Clarkson? A) We don’t need another generic rocker. B) We don’t need another pretty-boy crooner. After this pathetic season, I may have to hang up the phone on “Idol” forever. —SH

30 Rock
Things I want to know after watching the “30 Rock” season finale:
1) When do I get a 350,000th floor office?

2) How many people wrap compliments about themselves in a compliment about you, and is that actually weird?

3) Who fakes an orgasm better: Jane Krakowski or Meg Ryan?

4) How many “Freedom Searches” have been conducted on enemy combatants?

5) Are cheese chips and bull semen a baby-making combination? —MH

Survivor: Micronesia
Amanda should have gotten the million over spinster Parvati. And in a perfect world, the real brains behind most of the plotting, Cirie, should have gotten it over Amanda. Life’s not fair, and neither is “Survivor.” Glad to see Amanda and Ozzy hooking it up in the aftermath. Big Bird is still my fav. —SH

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