If you’re happy and you’re Amish, clap your hands

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Primetime: The Outsiders
Episode: “Teens caught between freedom and faith”
ABC, Tuesdays, 10 p.m., aired June 24. An ABC News production by Jay Schadler.
Synopsis: For a year, ABC News had unprecedented access into the lives of a group of Amish adolescents in central Ohio during the Amish rite of passage known as rumspringa.



Mat: Setting aside that “Rumspringa” sounds like a Captain Morgan’s product, “The Outsiders” reminds me why I’m a lapsed Catholic. Amish, as a belief system, is too strict. Kids have to learn to adapt in social situations, and it doesn’t appear they can.

The fact that Lena says she’ll “lose her family” if she leaves the Amish doesn’t speak well for her parents, and the elders ABC interviewed even spoke about driving a Thunderbird. You can be spiritual and still have fun.

Sara: OK, let me just get this out in the open — I’m afraid of the Amish. Spiders, snakes, drag queens I can handle. But if I see a buggy on the side of the road with tall, skinny men in funny hats, it freaks me out. We’re talking panic attacks. Maybe it’s because I grew up around them in Ohio, or maybe it stems from that creepy whistling dude from “Poltergeist II.”

Mat: These Amish parents could do a better job of at least informing kids of what’s out there. Harley’s midnight rescue mission makes it clear that these kids are unreasonably stifled. Otherwise, why would Danny feel like he needed to jump out of a second-story window?

Sara: So what would you do, Mat? Leave behind your family and peace and tranquility for canned beer and baseball games? It seems like when the teens “escaped” their conservative Amish life, they just set up a similar shop a few miles down the road in the form of a bachelor pad. How about you get out of Ohio. Go south to the big city with a 50-foot bat, like I did.

Mat: Sayonara. By train, plane, auto or unicycle. The world is simply too large, too wonderful and too diverse.

Sara: I must admit that Nelson’s tricked-out buggy was amazing. He had sub-woofers and an iPod … I’m sure the horse loves the AC/DC as it trots to the store.

Mat: I was surprised Nelson decided to stay Amish, but marriage is a powerful motivator. Note that he said “if” he finds a woman, so he left open other possibilities. Given how much I dropped in gas this week, a horse-drawn buggy wouldn’t be all that bad.

Sara: Good point. I wonder if you can get a DUI on horseback. Anyway, poor Danny … he’ll end up in the tight, white button-up before too long. Either that or a prison jumpsuit. I’m guessing he didn’t drop the soap during his short stint in jail for vandalizing a buggy. The Amish aren’t that naïve, are they?

Here’s to hoping Lena makes it out alive. Go to the light, Carolanne, go to the light!

Celebrate rumspringa with Mat and Sara at leo@leoweekly.com or at cableboxing.blogspot.com

Griffin’s "D-List" doesn’t suck it much

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
Season 4, Episode 2: “Home is Where the Profit Is”
Bravo, Thursdays, 10 p.m., aired June 19. Starring Kathy Griffin, Jessica Zajicek, Tom Vize and Tiffany Rinehart.
Synopsis: Kathy’s assistant’s assistant, Tiffany, and her tour manager, Tom, are here to stay — but what do we really know about them? Kathy’s booked two stand-up gigs — one in Tom’s hometown of St. Louis, and one in Tiffany’s hometown of Tracy, Calif. She will meet their families and milk her own publicity machine by throwing them into the local media spotlight.



Sara: Gotta admit my love for Kathy Griffin. I just want her to adopt me, or make me an assistant to her assistant’s assistant. Hell, I’ll just hang out with her mom and we can knock back a few boxes of wine together. This is the fourth season of “My Life on the D-List,” and so far it scores as one of the best. She just seems more confident with her comedy and knows her place — firmly atop the D-List (although I’d argue she’s definitely B-List material, slightly above, say, Soleil Moon Frye).

Mat: You know you can’t trust your staff these days when you have to convince your mom to push your merchandise. Seems like Kathy’s humor is wearing thinner than a pair of pantyhose on her staffers.

Sara: Have you ever worn pantyhose, Mat? There’s nothing thin about them when they’re bunching up between your legs and squeezing you so tight your ovaries feel violated. I definitely want a “Team Griffin” shirt, and I’d even wear the “Suck It, Jesus!” boxers to a Catholic picnic. Gimme that cake!

Mat: From time to time, I consider wearing a shirt that says “Holy Fuckballs” to the office, but I figure it’s more appropriate if a nuclear bomb goes off.

Sara: Wasn’t that in her boxer line as well? Anyway, I’ve got other plans on my end-of-world checklist, and none of them involve clothes.

Mat: Tom Green is still around? What’s with the tie? Is this the same guy who used to prank his folks? And Coolio, the star guest, touting a reality show? Talk about D-List. I thought the upcoming “Greatest American Dog” series pushed it.

Sara: You know, I’ve always had a thing for Tom Green, too. He’s had this Internet talk show for a while now. Sheesh. Can’t you keep up?

So Kathy & Co. travel to Tom’s hometown of St. Louis — think you’d get the VIP treatment like he did? Think you could have Mayor Jer declare it “Mat Herron Day”? I may have to call in sick.

Mat: Did you catch the Y98 host’s D-List dig? “No, it doesn’t bother me.” Translation: Welcome to the Midwest, you stuck-up Angeleno!

Sara: Take it back!

Mat: No.

Sara: OK, we’re even I guess. I saw it as more of a journalist’s failure to prepare for an interview, just like the dude at the tea shop in Tracy, Calif. Loved when she quipped, “I’m sure that’s exactly how Christiane Amanpour does it over at CNN.”


Share your love of Kathy with Sara, or your hatred with Mat, at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Weeds" tokes it on the run

BY SARA HAVENS & MAT HERRON

Weeds
Season 4, Episode 1: “Mother Thinks The Birds Are After Her”
Showtime, Mondays, 10 p.m., aired June 16. Starring Mary-Louise Parker, Elizabeth Perkins, Kevin Nealon, Justin Kirk, Hunter Parrish, Allie Grant and Alexander Gould.
Synopsis: With the embers of Majestic and Agrestic smoldering in their rearview mirror, Nancy and family flee southbound to the border town of Ren Mar, Calif. Meanwhile, the DEA interrogates Doug, Dean and Isabelle, who all pin the entire grow operation on Celia. Back in Ren Mar, Andy confronts his father and new landlord Lenny.


Sara: (taking long inhale) So … (speaking without exhaling) … what are we watching this week, man?

Mat: Pass that over here … “Weeds.” (inhale)

Sara: This is the last of it. Did you bring any?
Mat: No, the show “Weeds.” On Showtime. (exhale)

Sara: Dude. I love that show. (inhale) That chick from “Fried Green Tomatoes” is sweet … I’m glad she found something to do with her career. And Elizabeth Perkins — remember her from “He Said, She Said” with Kevin Bacon? Love that ’80s shiz. Hey, doesn’t bacon sound good? (exhale)

Mat: Bacon and eggs, scrambled. Kind of like Grandma’s brain in this episode. Len (Albert Brooks) has the crappy end of the diaper. I guess we all have to look forward to Depends in our old age (exhale), but it’s payback for him being a jackass to Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker) while she and Judah were married. Apparently Dad forgot how easy-on-the-eyes she is. Not one to be outdone, her bringing German dinner into Len’s house was like a Freudian middle finger.

Sara: (inhale) Yeah, Freud was onto something. Deep shit. And you said finger … (exhale) heh. What did Nancy’s brother-in-law Andy (Justin Kirk) say that I laughed at 10 minutes ago? He was reciting bathroom-wall graffiti he found at a rest stop. Something like, “Here I sit, cheeks a-flexin’ … just gave birth to a little Texan.”

Mat: Texas is big. Huge. It’s like its own ocean.

Sara: So this season’s gonna be weird, since Nancy burned down her SoCal mansion and left behind her a life of drug dealin’ … or did she? What’s she going to do now? Be a Wal-Mart greeter? Doubt it. Do you think Celia (Perkins), Doug (Kevin Nealon) and the rest of them will join Nancy & Co. in her new bordertown? I certainly hope so … wait … why am I answering my own questions. Mat … are you awake, man?

Mat: Doug’s a banjo-toting schmo. Assuming he makes it out of the police station, he should be deported to some never-neverland. Like Kansas. Toking while he’s at an emergency shelter? With cops around?
I wonder whom I’d have to bribe to buy a section of the Mexican-Texas border. Bein’s that Pablo Escobar’s dead now, maybe my options are wide open. And if you retire from drug dealing, do you have to give up your portion of the fence?

Sara: Fence. That’s a funny word. Say it out loud. Fence. Ffffence. Fencé. Speaking of the border, do you wanna make a Taco Bell run?

Mat: Cool, but I’m drivin’.

Pass one along to leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

Battlestar Geektactica

BY JON BEAZLIE & BEN SCHNEIDER

Battlestar Galactica

Season 4, Episode 9: “The Hub”
Sci-Fi, Fridays, 10 p.m., aired June 6. Starring Edward James Olmos, Mary McDonnell, Katee Sackhoff, Jamie Bamber, James Callis and Tricia Helfer.
Synopsis: In pursuit of the enemy’s Resurrection Hub, a misfit team of Viper pilots and Cylon rebels become uneasy collaborators in formulating a battleplan.

Note: Ever since this column’s inception, editorial designer Ben “Buddy” Schneider and production coordinator Jon Beazlie have begged to geek up this space with “Battlestar” banter. Well, Mat Herron and I stay pretty busy on Friday nights, so instead of staying in and subjecting ourselves to this Sci-Fi show, we thought we’d give up the space to them this week. Nerds unite! —Sara Havens

Ben: OK, two major problems going in … first, I object to the “geek” and “nerd” words being tossed around with all the implied baggage of irrelevance and social inadequacy. Those derogatory labels are never applied to people who skip work for a month to sit in front of a TV during March Madness. No, a typical sports fan who dresses head-to-toe in UK basketball gear is considered “normal” when he or she goes out in public. But take that exact same person and glue some fake Spock ears on his head — then see what happens.

Secondly, even though the show airs on Friday night, I usually watch it Saturday morning while nursing my hangover. Thanks to this thing called the Internet, I can pretty much watch the show in the sunshine.

Jon: That’s right, those of us who don’t spend a gabillion dollars a month on cable fees have to resort to “ye ol’ ’letric Internet” to watch BSG on the Sci-Fi website, or search other sites to get our “man stories” the Blackbeard way. Arrrggghhh! Wait … maybe I am a geek? Hold on, I think the Feds are at my door …

Ben: Now, all that being said, I just need to add one thing: Oh my gods, have you seen this show? Holy frak, this is the best thing that’s ever been on TV ever! And I’ve watched “The L Word”!

Jon: “Gods” meaning the humans in this series believe in a polytheistic structure of religion, like the ancient Greeks, and “frak,” meaning, well … fuck. You see kids, the writers of this show get away with swearing on regular old TV by changing the word a little. It’s a little campy, but one of the ways the writers kept the feel of the original, late ’70s BSG. You get used to it. I remember my mom not liking the fact that they said “frak” back then, but she bought me BSG curtains and bed sheets. Who’s to say, maybe I peed on Lorne Greene?!?! Hold on, I think my therapist is at my door …

Ben: Of course the real problem in trying to write a column about “Galactica” is not saying anything about it. New viewers really shouldn’t watch it now because the show is in the middle of its fourth and final season — nearly all of the surprises have been revealed. “Galactica” is similar to “Lost” in a way, because the show has been one long continuing story, and the real joy of it has been watching the characters develop (and die) over the past four seasons.
It would be like telling someone who has never seen “Titanic” that it’s the best film ever made, but insisting they start watching at the moment the ship breaks apart in the water.

Jon: I agree. It’s really not your typical “Nerds in Space” drama. In the past four seasons, I’ve seen death, bloodshed and T&A comparable to a Tarantino movie. A Cylon downloads to a new body after death, so some of the characters get “offed” in numerous, bloody ways. Ships don’t fire lasers but bullets. Heavy artillery consists of anti-aircraft shrapnel, rockets and nuclear weapons. Old technology is good technology. Did I mention the HOT cybernetic chicks ready to kill a mother-fraker? Hey, Ben, I think we are geeks.

Geek out with Jon and Buddy at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Lost" finale: Stuff finally happens

BY SARA HAVENS & BEN SCHNEIDER

Lost
Season 4, Episode 13: “There’s No Place Like Home”
ABC, Thursdays, 9 p.m., aired May 29. Starring Matthew Fox, Jorge Garcia, Evangeline Lilly, Terry O’Quinn, Naveen Andrews and Josh Holloway.
Synopsis: As the face-off between the survivors and the freighter people continues, the Oceanic Six find themselves closer to rescue. Sayid goes back to the island to bring the rest of the people to the freighter. Ben and Locke go to The Orchid in order to “move the island.”


Sara: Our coworker Buddy, aka Ben Schneider, is LEO’s resident “Lost” expert. I’ve run to him every Friday morning since the show’s been on for an immediate debriefing. Like a trusty foreign language dictionary, he translates Lostspeak into concepts my feeble, sitcom-saturated mind can grasp. So naturally, I invited him to sit in for this week’s Cable Boxing on the two-hour “Lost” season finale. My first question for Buddy: How do you frickin’ move an island?!

Buddy: Move an island? That’s easy! Ben showed us how: Simply turn the big cog thingy in the polar cave next to the walk-in, bunny-rabbit, time-travel microwave (and if you’ve seen this episode, you know I’m NOT making any of that up). It looked pretty ancient and “low-tech” compared with the 1970s-era electronics they keep finding in the DHARMA hatches. So I’m guessing it was built by the same people who erected the big, four-toed statue that Sayid, Sun and Jin saw from a boat a few seasons back. But as for HOW the big cog thingy actually moved the island … uh … I’ll go with magnets. Sure, why not?

Sara: Well, that clears it up. Thanks. So do you think Jin and Michael are fish food now? Can’t believe Sun had to watch her baby’s daddy be blown to bits.

Buddy: When it comes to most people, watching your baby’s daddy become fish food would pretty much guarantee a spot on therapy couches for life. But Sun seems to be exploring alternative counseling through corporate evil. If Jin did survive by some miracle, I wonder if he’ll approve. Out of everyone on that island, he’s grown the most, and I hate that he’s gone.

I’m pretty sure Michael is dead. All this year he’s been bulletproof because “the island” needed him to live. But the moment before the explosion, he was visited by Christian — Jack’s dead father — who seems to be the spokesman for all things cah-razy. He told Michael: “You can go now,” which I assume means his obligation is over and he’s been cleared for death. Next second — BOOM. And goodbye Jin.

Sara: Sawyer looked pretty spiffy dripping wet from his swim — any chance of a drunken tryst between him and Juliet … you know, after we figure out where the island went?

Buddy: It’s a good bet. From their point of view, all of the other hot people from the plane have been burned alive. And on TV, if you can’t be with the hot one you love (Kate/Jack), then go ahead and love the hot one you’re with.

Sara: So true. Man, you are a genius! Predictions for next year? Looks like the Oceanic Six need to return to the island to rescue those left behind, hopefully not in the Rapture kind of left behind.

Buddy: Mr. Whidmore “changed the rules” when his thug killed Ben’s daughter, so I halfway expect to see Penny (Whidmore’s daughter) murdered by the end of the year. Maybe after four seasons I’m desensitized, but I’ve come to expect that everyone will eventually die horribly. Also, in the same way that Locke has replaced Ben, I think Sun will replace Whidmore as the wealthy and sinister force searching for the island. Keep an eye on her — ever since Jin blew up, she is pissed.

Share your own “Lost” theories with us at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Real World XX" can’t be cured

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Real World XX: Hollywood
Episode 6: “Greg vs. The House”
MTV; Wednesdays at 10 p.m., aired May 21.
Synopsis: After hearing his roommates do a confessional about him, Greg realizes that he doesn’t like most of the roommates. Kimberly admits to having feelings for Dave. Dave meets Justine and brings her back to the house, which upsets Kimberly. Will, knowing that Sarah has a boyfriend, kisses her anyway. Sarah’s boyfriend Ryan comes for a visit.


Sara: What the hell happened to my favorite show? I used to look so forward to a new “Real World” every year. Remember the good old days? Eric and Julie in New York? Jon and Beth O. in L.A.? Pedro and Puck in San Fran? Julie and Melissa in New Orleans? Seems like ever since the Vegas season, it’s now about watching gorgeous, brain-dead youngsters get drunk, fornicate and fight with each other.

Mat: This is kind of like watching your weird aunt die after a slow, painful existence. The progenitor of reality shows as we know it just can’t sustain itself. It’s become a grumpy, sleazy, cheating hooker who doesn’t know when to quit.

Sara: Even if it burns when she pees?

So let me get this straight — Kim likes Dave. Dave likes Kim’s body. Dave brings home another girl and seduces her with a stuffed rooster. Kim gets pissed. Why am I still watching again?

Mat: You haven’t gone through the three stages of grief yet: watch, gag, change channel. The girl whom Dave seduced? Judging from the looks of her, he didn’t have to try that hard.

Sara: So everyone hates Greg, aka “The Chosen One.” Hmmm … can’t see why, he’s a charmer — hides rocks in his roommates’ beds, steals Sarah’s underwear, refers to his female friends as “associates.” Classy. An excerpt from his confessional: “I am in the house with crazy fuckers. But again, I’m not gonna crack. I am a fuckin’ diamond. Diamond does not crack, it cuts.”

Mat: Suddenly, living in a Hollywood mansion is akin to “Survivorman.” What? You live in California. You get paid to drink and screw. What’s the problem with that? Other than it indicates your incessant need for attention.

Sara: Sarah’s nerdy boyfriend needs to grow a pair. Would you cower in your boxers as your hot girlfriend went toe-to-toe with a nut-job like Greg?

Mat: Of course, but that’s because I’m a veritable ninja. I think he handled it the right way. As long Greg doesn’t hit her, I’d let her tear him up for a few rounds.

Sara: So when does the seventh roommate get back from rehab? This blows. We need more violent, 3 a.m. wall-punchings.

Mat: As a former smoker, I had to stay aware of my “triggers,” things that would make me wanna light up. No. 7 would do well to stay away from the house. Then again, if he relapsed and pummeled one of his roommates, he could say, “MTV made me do it.” We’re not talking about responsible adults here.

Sara: Even if it burns when you pee?

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at
cableboxing.blogspot.com

The season — or what’s left of it — in TV

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

By normal criteria — complete seasons, multi-layered story arcs and full-blown characterizations — the 2007-2008 television season basically sucked.

Hamstrung by a months-long writers’ strike, FOX let Jack Bauer take a “day” off; CBS let kids run a small ghost town, and they’ll probably wind up in therapy because of it; a “Dancing With The Stars” dame collapsed onstage … and through it all, we learned the meaning of tolerance, intestinal fortitude and the TiVo option.

Thank God for cable. HBO served up two grand slams: “The Sopranos” and “The Wire.” Both will continue to generate DVD sales well into the future, provided online fan fury over Tony’s denouement doesn’t prompt David Chase to “finish” the story. Five seasons of flawless, and infuriating, interpretations on drugs in our society, “The Wire” ended on a high note, and should make a nice addition to, we hope, a never-ending cultural dialogue on drugs.

Showtime was no slouch, either: “Dexter” shows Louisville love in Jennifer Carpenter’s portrayal of Debra, Dexter’s neurotic sister. “The L Word,” now entering its final season, arguably had the world’s first all-lesbian, mob-style “sit-down” (in Mafia parlance) and reconnected power couple Bette and Tina. And “Californication” proved David Duchovny would have life beyond “The X-Files.”

Not all network shows bit it, though. When the season finally rebooted in April, there were some finales we couldn’t ignore, nor despise:

The Office
The fourth season finale explores how to improve your coworker/employee’s going-away party:

Step 1: Your boss is immature enough to hide his grandma’s monthly check in his sock for months, then whips it out to pay for food, a live band, a Ferris wheel and fireworks at your sendoff.

Step 2: Your new human-resources department head is a quirky knockout who strangely misinterprets the signs of mental retardation, ;).

Step 3: Your kiss-ass underling succeeds in humiliating a difficult employee, while also opening you up to corporate reprimand.

Step 4: Your ex reveals she’s pregnant thanks to a sperm donor. Maybe your sperm shrivel up and die out of inertia.

Last of all …

Step 5: Your idiot coworker steals your engagement thunder by engaging himself to a prudish She-Devil. —MH

CSI
If you haven’t seen this yet, stop reading now. Eight (well, 7½) seasons in, the ensemble cast led by William Petersen continues to throw curveballs and put on a clinic for other crime shows. Regular readers of csifiles.com knew Gary Dourdan was out the door weeks ago. But the send-off? Brutal and disturbed. Which is how I’ll feel after this show goes off the air. —MH

The Hills
The best line ever uttered on this popular MTV reality series came when Audrina and Lauren were trying to sort out their failing friendship: Audrina looks deadpan at Lauren and says, “It’s not always about you, Lauren.” You go, girl! Except, the show is actually all about Lauren, unfortunately, which means if you move out of her house, Audrina, you’re probably off the show. I’d be annoyed at feeling like the third wheel, too … and since when did Justin-Bobby come out looking like the knight in shining, greasy armor? Heidi gives up glamorous job for deadbeat boyfriend Spencer — guess we know whose carpet matches their curtains. —SH

American Idol
It’s David vs. David — who really gives a rat’s ass? Any other year, these two would not be the last standing. Can you picture either of them up against Kelly Clarkson? A) We don’t need another generic rocker. B) We don’t need another pretty-boy crooner. After this pathetic season, I may have to hang up the phone on “Idol” forever. —SH

30 Rock
Things I want to know after watching the “30 Rock” season finale:
1) When do I get a 350,000th floor office?

2) How many people wrap compliments about themselves in a compliment about you, and is that actually weird?

3) Who fakes an orgasm better: Jane Krakowski or Meg Ryan?

4) How many “Freedom Searches” have been conducted on enemy combatants?

5) Are cheese chips and bull semen a baby-making combination? —MH

Survivor: Micronesia
Amanda should have gotten the million over spinster Parvati. And in a perfect world, the real brains behind most of the plotting, Cirie, should have gotten it over Amanda. Life’s not fair, and neither is “Survivor.” Glad to see Amanda and Ozzy hooking it up in the aftermath. Big Bird is still my fav. —SH

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com