Battlestar Geektactica

BY JON BEAZLIE & BEN SCHNEIDER

Battlestar Galactica

Season 4, Episode 9: “The Hub”
Sci-Fi, Fridays, 10 p.m., aired June 6. Starring Edward James Olmos, Mary McDonnell, Katee Sackhoff, Jamie Bamber, James Callis and Tricia Helfer.
Synopsis: In pursuit of the enemy’s Resurrection Hub, a misfit team of Viper pilots and Cylon rebels become uneasy collaborators in formulating a battleplan.

Note: Ever since this column’s inception, editorial designer Ben “Buddy” Schneider and production coordinator Jon Beazlie have begged to geek up this space with “Battlestar” banter. Well, Mat Herron and I stay pretty busy on Friday nights, so instead of staying in and subjecting ourselves to this Sci-Fi show, we thought we’d give up the space to them this week. Nerds unite! —Sara Havens

Ben: OK, two major problems going in … first, I object to the “geek” and “nerd” words being tossed around with all the implied baggage of irrelevance and social inadequacy. Those derogatory labels are never applied to people who skip work for a month to sit in front of a TV during March Madness. No, a typical sports fan who dresses head-to-toe in UK basketball gear is considered “normal” when he or she goes out in public. But take that exact same person and glue some fake Spock ears on his head — then see what happens.

Secondly, even though the show airs on Friday night, I usually watch it Saturday morning while nursing my hangover. Thanks to this thing called the Internet, I can pretty much watch the show in the sunshine.

Jon: That’s right, those of us who don’t spend a gabillion dollars a month on cable fees have to resort to “ye ol’ ’letric Internet” to watch BSG on the Sci-Fi website, or search other sites to get our “man stories” the Blackbeard way. Arrrggghhh! Wait … maybe I am a geek? Hold on, I think the Feds are at my door …

Ben: Now, all that being said, I just need to add one thing: Oh my gods, have you seen this show? Holy frak, this is the best thing that’s ever been on TV ever! And I’ve watched “The L Word”!

Jon: “Gods” meaning the humans in this series believe in a polytheistic structure of religion, like the ancient Greeks, and “frak,” meaning, well … fuck. You see kids, the writers of this show get away with swearing on regular old TV by changing the word a little. It’s a little campy, but one of the ways the writers kept the feel of the original, late ’70s BSG. You get used to it. I remember my mom not liking the fact that they said “frak” back then, but she bought me BSG curtains and bed sheets. Who’s to say, maybe I peed on Lorne Greene?!?! Hold on, I think my therapist is at my door …

Ben: Of course the real problem in trying to write a column about “Galactica” is not saying anything about it. New viewers really shouldn’t watch it now because the show is in the middle of its fourth and final season — nearly all of the surprises have been revealed. “Galactica” is similar to “Lost” in a way, because the show has been one long continuing story, and the real joy of it has been watching the characters develop (and die) over the past four seasons.
It would be like telling someone who has never seen “Titanic” that it’s the best film ever made, but insisting they start watching at the moment the ship breaks apart in the water.

Jon: I agree. It’s really not your typical “Nerds in Space” drama. In the past four seasons, I’ve seen death, bloodshed and T&A comparable to a Tarantino movie. A Cylon downloads to a new body after death, so some of the characters get “offed” in numerous, bloody ways. Ships don’t fire lasers but bullets. Heavy artillery consists of anti-aircraft shrapnel, rockets and nuclear weapons. Old technology is good technology. Did I mention the HOT cybernetic chicks ready to kill a mother-fraker? Hey, Ben, I think we are geeks.

Geek out with Jon and Buddy at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Lost" finale: Stuff finally happens

BY SARA HAVENS & BEN SCHNEIDER

Lost
Season 4, Episode 13: “There’s No Place Like Home”
ABC, Thursdays, 9 p.m., aired May 29. Starring Matthew Fox, Jorge Garcia, Evangeline Lilly, Terry O’Quinn, Naveen Andrews and Josh Holloway.
Synopsis: As the face-off between the survivors and the freighter people continues, the Oceanic Six find themselves closer to rescue. Sayid goes back to the island to bring the rest of the people to the freighter. Ben and Locke go to The Orchid in order to “move the island.”


Sara: Our coworker Buddy, aka Ben Schneider, is LEO’s resident “Lost” expert. I’ve run to him every Friday morning since the show’s been on for an immediate debriefing. Like a trusty foreign language dictionary, he translates Lostspeak into concepts my feeble, sitcom-saturated mind can grasp. So naturally, I invited him to sit in for this week’s Cable Boxing on the two-hour “Lost” season finale. My first question for Buddy: How do you frickin’ move an island?!

Buddy: Move an island? That’s easy! Ben showed us how: Simply turn the big cog thingy in the polar cave next to the walk-in, bunny-rabbit, time-travel microwave (and if you’ve seen this episode, you know I’m NOT making any of that up). It looked pretty ancient and “low-tech” compared with the 1970s-era electronics they keep finding in the DHARMA hatches. So I’m guessing it was built by the same people who erected the big, four-toed statue that Sayid, Sun and Jin saw from a boat a few seasons back. But as for HOW the big cog thingy actually moved the island … uh … I’ll go with magnets. Sure, why not?

Sara: Well, that clears it up. Thanks. So do you think Jin and Michael are fish food now? Can’t believe Sun had to watch her baby’s daddy be blown to bits.

Buddy: When it comes to most people, watching your baby’s daddy become fish food would pretty much guarantee a spot on therapy couches for life. But Sun seems to be exploring alternative counseling through corporate evil. If Jin did survive by some miracle, I wonder if he’ll approve. Out of everyone on that island, he’s grown the most, and I hate that he’s gone.

I’m pretty sure Michael is dead. All this year he’s been bulletproof because “the island” needed him to live. But the moment before the explosion, he was visited by Christian — Jack’s dead father — who seems to be the spokesman for all things cah-razy. He told Michael: “You can go now,” which I assume means his obligation is over and he’s been cleared for death. Next second — BOOM. And goodbye Jin.

Sara: Sawyer looked pretty spiffy dripping wet from his swim — any chance of a drunken tryst between him and Juliet … you know, after we figure out where the island went?

Buddy: It’s a good bet. From their point of view, all of the other hot people from the plane have been burned alive. And on TV, if you can’t be with the hot one you love (Kate/Jack), then go ahead and love the hot one you’re with.

Sara: So true. Man, you are a genius! Predictions for next year? Looks like the Oceanic Six need to return to the island to rescue those left behind, hopefully not in the Rapture kind of left behind.

Buddy: Mr. Whidmore “changed the rules” when his thug killed Ben’s daughter, so I halfway expect to see Penny (Whidmore’s daughter) murdered by the end of the year. Maybe after four seasons I’m desensitized, but I’ve come to expect that everyone will eventually die horribly. Also, in the same way that Locke has replaced Ben, I think Sun will replace Whidmore as the wealthy and sinister force searching for the island. Keep an eye on her — ever since Jin blew up, she is pissed.

Share your own “Lost” theories with us at leo@leoweekly.com or comment at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"Real World XX" can’t be cured

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Real World XX: Hollywood
Episode 6: “Greg vs. The House”
MTV; Wednesdays at 10 p.m., aired May 21.
Synopsis: After hearing his roommates do a confessional about him, Greg realizes that he doesn’t like most of the roommates. Kimberly admits to having feelings for Dave. Dave meets Justine and brings her back to the house, which upsets Kimberly. Will, knowing that Sarah has a boyfriend, kisses her anyway. Sarah’s boyfriend Ryan comes for a visit.


Sara: What the hell happened to my favorite show? I used to look so forward to a new “Real World” every year. Remember the good old days? Eric and Julie in New York? Jon and Beth O. in L.A.? Pedro and Puck in San Fran? Julie and Melissa in New Orleans? Seems like ever since the Vegas season, it’s now about watching gorgeous, brain-dead youngsters get drunk, fornicate and fight with each other.

Mat: This is kind of like watching your weird aunt die after a slow, painful existence. The progenitor of reality shows as we know it just can’t sustain itself. It’s become a grumpy, sleazy, cheating hooker who doesn’t know when to quit.

Sara: Even if it burns when she pees?

So let me get this straight — Kim likes Dave. Dave likes Kim’s body. Dave brings home another girl and seduces her with a stuffed rooster. Kim gets pissed. Why am I still watching again?

Mat: You haven’t gone through the three stages of grief yet: watch, gag, change channel. The girl whom Dave seduced? Judging from the looks of her, he didn’t have to try that hard.

Sara: So everyone hates Greg, aka “The Chosen One.” Hmmm … can’t see why, he’s a charmer — hides rocks in his roommates’ beds, steals Sarah’s underwear, refers to his female friends as “associates.” Classy. An excerpt from his confessional: “I am in the house with crazy fuckers. But again, I’m not gonna crack. I am a fuckin’ diamond. Diamond does not crack, it cuts.”

Mat: Suddenly, living in a Hollywood mansion is akin to “Survivorman.” What? You live in California. You get paid to drink and screw. What’s the problem with that? Other than it indicates your incessant need for attention.

Sara: Sarah’s nerdy boyfriend needs to grow a pair. Would you cower in your boxers as your hot girlfriend went toe-to-toe with a nut-job like Greg?

Mat: Of course, but that’s because I’m a veritable ninja. I think he handled it the right way. As long Greg doesn’t hit her, I’d let her tear him up for a few rounds.

Sara: So when does the seventh roommate get back from rehab? This blows. We need more violent, 3 a.m. wall-punchings.

Mat: As a former smoker, I had to stay aware of my “triggers,” things that would make me wanna light up. No. 7 would do well to stay away from the house. Then again, if he relapsed and pummeled one of his roommates, he could say, “MTV made me do it.” We’re not talking about responsible adults here.

Sara: Even if it burns when you pee?

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at
cableboxing.blogspot.com

The season — or what’s left of it — in TV

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

By normal criteria — complete seasons, multi-layered story arcs and full-blown characterizations — the 2007-2008 television season basically sucked.

Hamstrung by a months-long writers’ strike, FOX let Jack Bauer take a “day” off; CBS let kids run a small ghost town, and they’ll probably wind up in therapy because of it; a “Dancing With The Stars” dame collapsed onstage … and through it all, we learned the meaning of tolerance, intestinal fortitude and the TiVo option.

Thank God for cable. HBO served up two grand slams: “The Sopranos” and “The Wire.” Both will continue to generate DVD sales well into the future, provided online fan fury over Tony’s denouement doesn’t prompt David Chase to “finish” the story. Five seasons of flawless, and infuriating, interpretations on drugs in our society, “The Wire” ended on a high note, and should make a nice addition to, we hope, a never-ending cultural dialogue on drugs.

Showtime was no slouch, either: “Dexter” shows Louisville love in Jennifer Carpenter’s portrayal of Debra, Dexter’s neurotic sister. “The L Word,” now entering its final season, arguably had the world’s first all-lesbian, mob-style “sit-down” (in Mafia parlance) and reconnected power couple Bette and Tina. And “Californication” proved David Duchovny would have life beyond “The X-Files.”

Not all network shows bit it, though. When the season finally rebooted in April, there were some finales we couldn’t ignore, nor despise:

The Office
The fourth season finale explores how to improve your coworker/employee’s going-away party:

Step 1: Your boss is immature enough to hide his grandma’s monthly check in his sock for months, then whips it out to pay for food, a live band, a Ferris wheel and fireworks at your sendoff.

Step 2: Your new human-resources department head is a quirky knockout who strangely misinterprets the signs of mental retardation, ;).

Step 3: Your kiss-ass underling succeeds in humiliating a difficult employee, while also opening you up to corporate reprimand.

Step 4: Your ex reveals she’s pregnant thanks to a sperm donor. Maybe your sperm shrivel up and die out of inertia.

Last of all …

Step 5: Your idiot coworker steals your engagement thunder by engaging himself to a prudish She-Devil. —MH

CSI
If you haven’t seen this yet, stop reading now. Eight (well, 7½) seasons in, the ensemble cast led by William Petersen continues to throw curveballs and put on a clinic for other crime shows. Regular readers of csifiles.com knew Gary Dourdan was out the door weeks ago. But the send-off? Brutal and disturbed. Which is how I’ll feel after this show goes off the air. —MH

The Hills
The best line ever uttered on this popular MTV reality series came when Audrina and Lauren were trying to sort out their failing friendship: Audrina looks deadpan at Lauren and says, “It’s not always about you, Lauren.” You go, girl! Except, the show is actually all about Lauren, unfortunately, which means if you move out of her house, Audrina, you’re probably off the show. I’d be annoyed at feeling like the third wheel, too … and since when did Justin-Bobby come out looking like the knight in shining, greasy armor? Heidi gives up glamorous job for deadbeat boyfriend Spencer — guess we know whose carpet matches their curtains. —SH

American Idol
It’s David vs. David — who really gives a rat’s ass? Any other year, these two would not be the last standing. Can you picture either of them up against Kelly Clarkson? A) We don’t need another generic rocker. B) We don’t need another pretty-boy crooner. After this pathetic season, I may have to hang up the phone on “Idol” forever. —SH

30 Rock
Things I want to know after watching the “30 Rock” season finale:
1) When do I get a 350,000th floor office?

2) How many people wrap compliments about themselves in a compliment about you, and is that actually weird?

3) Who fakes an orgasm better: Jane Krakowski or Meg Ryan?

4) How many “Freedom Searches” have been conducted on enemy combatants?

5) Are cheese chips and bull semen a baby-making combination? —MH

Survivor: Micronesia
Amanda should have gotten the million over spinster Parvati. And in a perfect world, the real brains behind most of the plotting, Cirie, should have gotten it over Amanda. Life’s not fair, and neither is “Survivor.” Glad to see Amanda and Ozzy hooking it up in the aftermath. Big Bird is still my fav. —SH

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com

The family that cons together …

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

The Riches
Season 2, Episode: Trust Never Sleeps
FX, Tuesdays at 10 p.m. Aired April 15. Starring Eddie Izzard, Minnie Driver, Shannon Marie Woodward, Todd Stashwick, Aidan Mitchell, Noel Fisher and Gregg Henry.
Synopsis: Living the straight life continues to prove difficult for Dahlia, and Wayne receives a surprise visitor while at work.

Mat: This episode is now almost a week old, but because Izzard performed last week at the Palace, we’re still timely. His transition from standup comedian/executive transvestite to vagabond con artist Wayne Malloy on FX’s newest original series sounded like a quantum leap. But the overall plotline to “The Riches” is smarter than, say, “Gossip Girl.”

Sara: Hey, I take offense to that. Why must you put down something in an attempt to compliment? I happen to like “Gossip Girl” in all its tween glory. But back to “The Riches,” which you forced me to watch this week. I liked the actors — Minnie Driver and Eddie Izzard are usually solid in any role — but I got a little lost in the storyline, probably because this was my first viewing. It’s hard to come into a show in the middle of its second season. But I tried. Can you give me some background?

Mat: When Wayne, wife Dahlia (Driver), sons Cael and Sam (Fisher and Mitchell) and daughter Dehliah (Woodward) kill an elderly rich couple in a car accident, they assume the couple’s identities. It turns out keeping up appearances is harder than it looks. The family that cons together stays together, but this episode shows cracks in the Riches’ façade. Dahlia’s con unravels when a cop busts her after she’s carjacked outside her “apartment.” But the gumshoe lets her go! Unbelievable.

Sara: You know, I couldn’t help but think Matt Damon and Ben Affleck would come to her rescue during that scene. Not some husky-voiced detective whose intentions seemed questionable. How ’bout dem apples? (Sorry, couldn’t resist.)

Mat: It’s nice to know that kids today still look up to their parents as role models. Even if dear old dad’s covering up a brutal murder by stealing evidence from a private investigator’s hotel room. That Sam had the presence of mind to wipe his dad’s blood off the hotel room door should earn him a few brownie points — and a new ride when he turns 16 — from pops.

Sara: Yeah, my dad used to take me to Dairy Queen when I wiped his blood off seedy hotel doorknobs.

Mat: During the dialogue between Wayne and Sam at the hotel, Izzard’s British accent creeped out for a brief moment. Driver was close, but her Southern, aw-shucks lilt was more believable. The next phone call should be to a dialogue coach. If it worked for James Gandolfini, it can work for you. No one wants another Kevin Costner.

Sara: I must say the fake accents were off-putting. I thought Driver’s character was conning the cop by using such an over-the-top Southern accent. But it turns out she’s just trying to con the viewing public. Well, shucks, ain’t that a pity!

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com

"The Paper" is Eazy-er said than dunn

The Paper

Premiere Episode
MTV; Mondays at 10:30 p.m., aired April 14. Starring Amanda, Alex, Adam, Giana, Trevor and Mrs. Weiss.
Synopsis: For many soon-to-be seniors at Cypress Bay High School in Weston, Fla., it’s time to battle it out for the position of editor-in-chief of The Circuit. But only one will score the top slot. See what it takes to build an editorial team and run an award-winning paper.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS

Sara: I love the “The Paper”! I’m definitely hooked, and it’s all because of Amanda. She’s nerdy yet confident. Bossy but unaffected. The others talk behind her back — and right to her face, actually — and it doesn’t seem to bother her. How does she do it? And I love her opening line: “Journalists are the most important part of the world.” So true.

Mat: “Watch out world, here comes Amanda” is one of those sentiments that, frankly, inspires only the finest vomit. I’m sure working at The Circuit feels really important to these kids right now, but it’s hard to imagine their antics translating to a professional newsroom. Do you think it would be cool if we all got in a huddle and started chanting “LEO”?

Sara: You know, it’s not a bad idea. I also think we should borrow their tactic of handing out papers via being pushed on a dolly. Do you want top or bottom?

Mat: We would save money on gas, and I do need the exercise. I don’t know why there’s such a “race” to be editor. I was editor of my high school newspaper, and it wasn’t glamorous. I sure as hell didn’t sing about laying out page 1.

Sara: Well, you are the music editor. I’d like to hear some Nickelback from you next time you finish up your music pages. Meanwhile, I’ll break into some Eazy-E when the A&E pages are checked. Now how do we get the others to play along? Gimmie that, gimmie that, gimmie that NYT Crossword Puzzle!

Mat: Canada — and commercial radio — should apologize for Nickelback. As should you for even uttering the name.
This show proves journalists can’t be actors. Can you believe Amanda when she says, “Procrastination is a foe that I have not met yet”? Wait until college, when you discover the concept of cramming. Procrastination will be your best friend. As will coffee.

Sara: And don’t forget bourbon, No-Doz and Marlboro Lights.

Mat: “Cream of bitch” = best line. Quite literary. Did you find it weird that the all the past editors’ first names began with the letter A?

Sara: If it was a precursor for Amanda getting the “in-chief” position, then no, I found nothing weird with it at all. I’d like to see Adam get his emotions in check. Ritalin anyone?

Mat: Yeah, he’s got ADD written all over him. In the future, he’ll probably wind up a CEO or hedge fund manager. His off-site pow-wow with the other staffers over how Amanda will ruin the paper shows a knack for the diabolical.
The air’s gonna leak out of this tire pretty quick, though. MTV says they “found” this staff, even though they posted a casting notice on realitywanted.com last year, which makes the show’s appeal, if you wanna call it that, ring hollow. All these docu-dorks are gonna overact so they can parlay their roles into careers in show business. Nothing wrong with that, just don’t be surprised if this Circuit shorts out. Once senior year hits, you care less about punctuation and grammar and more about hitting the nearest keg party.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com

"ER," I want a divorce

BY SARA HAVENS

We interrupt our regularly scheduled episode of Cable Boxing for this one-sided commentary by Sara. Apparently, Mat is off frolicking with the recently booted Survivor Big Bird Kathy. His penance: viewing every episode of this season’s “The Hills,” then commenting weekly on the Cable Boxing blog (cableboxing.blogspot.com). It seems only fair.

This isn’t working. I can no longer pretend to be in love with you. We’ve had a good run, wouldn’t you say? I’ll walk away with only good memories of our 14 years together. Fourteen years. I just don’t feel the connection anymore. We’re two good people who aren’t good together. I mean, don’t get me wrong: I’ve stayed faithful. I DVR you on a regular basis — but you just sit there, taking up space, while I find excuses to watch everything else but you.

Thank you for moving out a few months ago. I’ve had time to reflect on our relationship — to recall the good times and bad times. We’ve just had so many people come and go — I can’t keep up with who we call friends and which of those friends are going to up and leave us. First it was George Clooney. Then Julianna Margulies. Then Sherry Stringfield, of all people. And when Anthony Edwards got brain cancer, I couldn’t take it. We were there for him, and that was a tough loss to take. And don’t get me started on Noah Wyle, Eriq La Salle, Maria Bello, the British red-headed lady and the cane-wielding Dr. Weaver. Our relationship has been a revolving door, and I’m sick of it. So sick that perhaps I should pay my own visit to County General.

Remember the time you had to push that baby back into the mother? Or how about when you got your hand chopped off by the helicopter on the roof? Oooh, or the time you killed off that poor girl from “Life Goes On”? Those were the days. I’ll admit our relationship started to suffer when you went off on your African adventures. Sure it’s not all baby-blue scrubs and fake blood, but I needed you here. It was a confusing time for me.

Yes, I like Maura Tierney. Perhaps she’s the reason I’ve stuck it out for so long. But she wasn’t there in the beginning — she doesn’t really know us. And I think she’s played out. What is there left for Abby? She’s shagged just about every male castmember. She’s been through rehab and a schizo brother, an over-zealous mother, a baby, a marriage, another stint in rehab … shall I continue? And I know you brought in John Stamos for me. Honey, that was a nice gesture. But even he can’t save this marriage.

It’s not you, “ER,” it’s me. Truth is, I’ve found someone. I believe the term is “emotional friend.” But before I move to the next level with “Grey’s Anatomy,” I need to end this relationship with you. My life has room for only one hour-long medical drama. It’s time I move on, babe. Can’t we still be friends? Hey, chin up. I’m sure I’ll catch you in syndication from time to time. And when I do, I’ll smile and say hello. Please don’t make this awkward.

Now, can you sign these papers?


Idol’s 8
We’re down to eight contestants on “American Idol,” and I still don’t have a favorite. It’s been an odd year. First of all, I can’t tell the two — or is it three? — rocker dudes apart. One has an Australian accent and one has too much hair in his face. Or are they the same person? Did they graduate from the Nickelback school of raspy-voice rawk? Then there’s Kristy, who should have gone back to her horses way before the Indiana rock ’n’ roll nurse got the boot. I guess I like Brooke. She’s harmless and interesting. I think Carly is a fan favorite, but she just doesn’t have the “it” factor, other than that cool Irish accent. And don’t get me started little-boy-blue David. Once I found out he was born in the ’90s, he was dead to me. Dead. Grow a pair.

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com