‘One Tree Hill’ is one big … thrill?

One Tree Hill
Episode: “My Way Home Is Through You”
WB Network, Tuesdays, 9 p.m., aired Jan. 15. Starring Chad Michael Murray, Sophia Bush, Hilarie Burton, James Lafferty and Bethany Joy Galeotti. Written by John A. Norris. Directed by David Jackson.

Synopsis: Lucas’ editor wonders about the timing of his recent inspiration. Brooke and Peyton make business plans, and Mouth tries to win points with his boss.
(from www.cwtv.com)

Mat: I’m officially old. This has gotta be marketed toward 14- and 15-year-olds. That’s the only way to explain its hyperemotional dialogue and nice-n-cheesy faux wisdom.

Sara: Fourteen- and 15-year-olds and bored 20/30somethings, like me, who are trying to rekindle their lost youth, looking for the next Brandon Walsh or Dawson Leery to sweep them off their feet. Is that wrong? Why can’t we get lost in the fluff from time to time? Does everything have to be as serious as “The Wire”? I don’t want to live in a world that I can’t escape from!

And besides, this season they flash-forwarded four years and skipped the whole college bullshit. So now they’re adults, like you and me. Well, except we’re not starting our own music label; we don’t own a budding fashion company; we’ve never published a novel; and we’re not back at our old high school coaching the varsity basketball team. Well, at least I’m not. You sometimes strike me as a man of mystery, so I wouldn’t be surprised if you have your own fashion line.

Mat: In fact, I’m working on my own line of designer shoelaces. Explain how K-Fed still gets work? Granted, he’s got a few more cells in the noggin than his ex — that’s not saying much — but his delivery sucks, both as a singer/rapper and as an actor.

Sara: Apparently K-Fed wants to escape from the world, too, so he’s landed in Tree Hill, N.C., to deliver a bad Vanilla Ice impersonation. Can he jump-start Peyton’s (Burton) indie music label? Or should she have thrown him out with the creepy bamboo from her ex’s new lover? Stay tuned …

Mat: I’m not buying Lucas’ (Murray) whole writer/coach persona. Even if his favorite sports are basketball and football, writers don’t necessarily wake up to hotties like this editor chick. We’re usually washing off the drinks they throw at us to fend off our amorous advances. By the way, if I were dating an editor that looked as good as she did, I wouldn’t spend all night at my laptop churning out the Great American Novel.

Sara: You forget that you’re talking about Chad Michael Murray here. Yes, THE Chad Michael Murray. Sigh. This is a guy who, in real life, married Brooke (Bush) for a few weeks, then broke it off, and had to continue working side by side with her and a, we assume, spiteful cast. His smile obviously melts divorce papers.

Speaking of Brooke — we found out that Brooke’s mean boss lady (Daphne Zuniga … omg Jo from “Melrose Place”!) is her mother. The shock! The horror! Will she really make Brooke relocate to the mean streets of NYC?

Mat: Please, I saw that one coming. How was Brooke going to pay for that ridiculous bachelorette pad? If my kid pulled a stunt like that, I’d have smacked him or her upside the head with that plane ticket.

Equally unbelievable: Mouth (Lee Norris)’s boardroom make-out session with his boss. Skills’ “Hot Cougar Love” line is a great motto, but in the end, Mouth would be slapped with a sexual harassment charge quicker than you can say Clarence Thomas.

Sara: Mouth who? Oh — the nerdy minor character that they decided to throw more screen-time at this season? This is why I love DVR. FF on 4!

Mat: Strike two: Whose wife hires a nanny who’s as hot or hotter than she is? Haley (Galeotti) had better hope Nathan’s (Lafferty) ambulatory soon, or she’ll be walking in on a disaster.

Sara: The nanny needs to eat a meal or two so the camera can pick her up. I swear she disappears from scenes sometimes. Or is that just my shitty reception? More importantly, it took Nathan two episodes to shave that angry-at-the-world scruff off his face, so how long until he cuts his ridiculous hair?

Mat: The fact that you’re arguing about hair proves my point: “One Tree Hill” is a couple branches short of intelligent.

Sara: Wait … what?

Contact the writers at leo@leoweekly.com