‘"Survivor" of the fittest, dumbest and most naive Big Bird

Survivor: Micronesia — Fans vs. Favorites

Episode: 3
CBS, Thursdays, 8 p.m., aired Feb. 21. Starring your next door neighbor, a law student, a firefighter, an ice cream scooper and maybe the third cousin you never liked …
Synopsis: The Fans finally get the matchup they’ve been waiting for when they learn they must compete head-to-head in a full contact battle with The Favorites.

BY MAT HERRON & SARA HAVENS


Mat: Admit it. You’re only into this for the half-naked dudes.

Sara: Nah, it’s all blurred out anyway. I’ve been watching since Season 1, son. And we’re on 16!

Mat: This is a sociological experiment gone awry. Why would I want to watch perfect strangers give into their greedy impulses? We’re probably encouraging terrorism, too, barging in on these island countries with camera crews, tearing up jungles and wearing “warpaint” I could buy from Wal-Mart.

Sara: Granted I have no idea where Micronesia is, but it’s awfully perty scenery, don’t you think? Sharks and spiders and lizards and gravediggers! So this season, we have The Fans against The Favorites from the past few years. The evil but silly Jonny Fairplay was out first, and now it’s Yau-Man. Poor little guy — I wasn’t quite sure why Cirie wanted him out so badly.

Mat: It’s all promoting manipulation, alliances, backroom deals. Like Congress at the beach. The interviews are horrid. Jonathan’s diatribe about Yau being “led to the slaughter” by Cirie was a couple notches above melodrama, as was Joel’s “I’m-gonna-kill-them” rant before the bag-football challenge. Dude, quit angling for a spot as an extra on “Law & Order.”

Sara: And then there’s Kathy, aka Big Bird. I was hoping they’d show more of her time on Exile Island with Ami. Her ignorance is my bliss. Remember when she asked Chet if being gay meant that he wanted to be a girl? And her genuine curiosity led her to ask a fellow teammate if she could touch her fake breasts. What are they teaching in Wisconsin?

Mat: Nothing; they’re on a permanent snow day, so all the kids are downloading music illegally and watching porn. I was waiting for Bird to ask Ami if her being gay meant that she wanted to be a boy. Then the ignorance would’ve come full circle.

Sara: You can’t write lines like that. It woulda been great, though.

Mat: Granted I’m no stranger to reality TV — the first season of the “Real World,” even an episode or two of “Flavor of Love” — but “Survivor” has always symbolized the beginning of the end for television. Discovery Channel is 10 times better. No councils, no voting, no immunity. Now that the strike’s over, I’ll take my fiction, thanks.

Sara: I’m gonna sick some Jeff Probst on your sorry ass!

Drop us a line at leo@leoweekly.com or check out our TV blog at cableboxing.blogspot.com